Bills’ Simpson claiming he’s worth millions is priceless

By Anthony Bialy  |   Monday, January 05, 2009  |  Comments( 9 )

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The funniest thing is if Buffalo Bills safety Ko Simpson really thinks he’s worth millions. Unless he’s more clever at bookkeeping than he is at football, he’s almost certainly a bit short of his stated net worth, although that’s the least of the scofflaw’s problems. His arrest for a slight crime is a considerably big deal for a team that found its name in the news during the first postseason weekend for one unpleasantly foolish reason.

To recap, Simpson was a passenger in a car that sped through the parking lot of a South Carolina establishment called Celebrations, the most generically named bar on earth aside from anyplace named “Cheers,” very, very early on New Year’s Day. The driver and another passenger then screamed at police officers, leading to their arrests, but seeing his buddies get nabbed wasn’t enough for the intermittently involved safety, as he apparently wanted to bond with them at the holding center.

That was the point when Simpson inexplicably began shrieking his curious financial claim, namely the by-now-infamous, “I’m Ko Simpson with the Buffalo Bills. I am worth millions!” It was probably not a wise thing to yell at law enforcement officials, although it is perfect as a Myspace or Facebook quote; it’s also a phrase that would show up on signs and T-shirts at opposing stadiums next season if any non-Bills fans knew or cared who he was. The slick move resulted in his arrest on a “hindering police” charge, an offense as needless as it was pointless.

Do the Bills have to specifically ask their players to please not get arrested for acting like a moron? The worst thing is that Simpson didn’t need to involve himself: He could have just watched his buddies get detained, but he just had to start bellowing. Worst, he continued to do so even after the cops gave him a chance to leave. After first having the sense to comply with officers’ request to walk away, Simpson then remarkably turned around and continued to assert who he was, who he played for, and how much cash he has. Whether it comes to yelling about his partially imaginary wealth or not infrequently losing track of wide receivers, Simpson doesn’t react the right way.

Maybe he was just blowing off steam because of his evermore frequent sidelining in 2008; after all, with Donte Whitner and Bryan Scott around, Simpson has clearly been muscled into the team’s third-best safety slot. It’s not that it’s been easy to notice he’s missing. The loudest impact the wholly undistinguished Simpson made all year came after the games in a Rock Hill, S.C., bar parking lot, and while this arrest won’t cost him a roster spot, it won’t exactly help earn him 2009 playing time.

Worst, Simpson’s “Cops”-style pathetic incident creates a minor offseason headache for a team in the midst of a decadelong hangover. It’s little surprise that a player with this kind of attitude was out boozing on New Year’s Eve instead of prepping for a playoff opener.

Instead of recapping a postseason game today, backers got to cringe one final time thanks to a player finding a way embarrass the franchise even after the season ended. Simpson made everyone’s favorite famous arrested celebrity, loaded Mel Gibson, sound refined and contrite by comparison, although it would be fun to listen in on a drunk-tank conversation between the two. Who’s worth millions, which religion controls the world. . . they’d chat for hours.

And for the record, Simpson’s 2008 salary was reportedly just under $450,000; he’s in the third year of a contract worth just over $2.1 million, meaning he hasn’t even yet been paid millions, plural. Factor taxes and the reality that he’s had to spend some of that money on things like food and a dwelling, and his boast turns out to be as untrue as it is dumb, unless he’s a super stock market genius who is making money when nobody else is.

Maybe a few years of college as a sports and entertainment management major gave Simpson spectacular insight into finances, somehow. Or it may have been that bragging about his alleged bankroll was just easier than yelling something along the lines of, “I start sometimes for a playoff outcast!” regardless of the veracity of each claim.

Either way, he must for now presumably subtract about one-tenth of one percent of his 2008 salary for the $470 bond this incident cost; he’ll have to take that into account the next time he brings up his imaginary millions. Like the Bills did more times than not this season, the math comes up short.
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