Look out, Toronto: Buffalo wants your CFL franchise

By Anthony Bialy  |   Wednesday, April 01, 2009  |  Comments( 63 )

Buffalo Bills
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Take the Buffalo Bills, Toronto; just please send the Argonauts in return. Many Western New Yorkers fear that North Mexico’s most cosmopolitan city is going to poach their NFL team, and that the regular-season games being played in the Gordon Downie Dome are just an elaborate precursor to relocation. But Buffalo can counter by luring away Toronto’s Canadian Football League side. Bills fans will like their neighbor’s take on the sport better, anyway, and that’s even before factoring in road trips to Regina.

Everybody already knows the CFL is more awesome, anyway. For one, two extra players on the field means eight percent more excitement, as well as more local jobs to spur the economy during these recession-plagued times. Plus, the fact that receivers can go in motion perpendicular to the line of scrimmage means it’s as fun as arena football, except without a mandatory roof and on a mammoth field.

Speaking of that vast gridiron, those 10 extra yards of length and 5.7 extra widthwise mean that the game surface would extend right to (Whoever Owns the Argos) Stadium’s sidelines and perhaps even into the stands. Some Canadian football scholar can answer whether fans are allowed to make tackles, and either way it’s going to be more exciting.

Three downs instead of four of course logically means that games are 25 percent shorter; that results in more tailgating time, as well as getting home sooner. Plus, there’s the excitement of seeing a rouge scored in person, not to mention the complimentary Mr. Big candy bar and bag of ketchup chips all attendees gets with their ticket. On top of that, Prime Minister Frank Mahovlich not only attends every CFL game but shakes the hand of every home fan, and it would be nice to meet a celebrity.

There’d be a chance for a fun naming contest, too. When you adopt a baby, the birth mother doesn’t get to brand it; that means farewell, Argonauts. Fans can do better than the Buffalo Torontos. Roughriders would be good, although that may be taken; someone will undoubtedly come up with an even more amazing nickname. The team would undoubtedly bestow upon the winner a prize like an ownership stake or a dinner date with an Argonette of the fan’s choosing, although they’ll probably rename the cheerleading squad, too.

As for the on-field product, the only thing better than those big end zones would be whom they could use at quarterback: football’s Napoleon himself, Doug Flutie. Once the King of the CFL, he has the experience to lead the team to victory in what was once his home stadium in Orchard Park; his 19 Grey Cup titles are testament to that.

If their current team gets pinched, Buffalo fans should advocate retaliation in the form of snagging the Argos. Western New Yorkers will end up embracing the oddball action just like citizens of Baltimore, Sacramento and San Antonio once did. Next step: hating the Tiger-Cats.
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