A gentleman’s wager

By Os Davis  |   Wednesday, February 14, 2007  |  Comments( 1 )

San Diego Chargers
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The news was ill-timed and utterly shocking, for that matter. Have Marty Schottenheimer's head on a platter for losing to the New England Patriots in the playoffs, only the 10th different team to fall to Belichick and Co. in the past six postseasons. Go ahead, San Diego Chargers brain trust (and that term is used loosely here), fire at will.

"But what's up with the timing?" you may have been thinking, as this writer was. "Were they just giving the six teams looking to head coaching vacancies a chance to pick and choose first?"

Finally, the truth behind the move can be revealed. Thanks to RealFootball365, sources close to Chargers team president Dean Spanos and general manager A.J. Smith, the truth about the Schottenheimer firing may now be revealed. While trying to sneak a smoke in Spanos' private bathroom, Eddie Murphy - I mean, our inside source - was able to transcribe the following conversation between the dealing pair.

(All apologies to screenwriters Timothy Harris and Herschel Weingrod.)

Spanos: Marty is a very steady young man. We're lucky to have him coaching our team.

Smith: Oh, hogwash. Look at LT, Antonio Gates, Nick Hardwick - Marty Schottenheimer is no more than the product of a great roster and a particularly brilliant offense, if I may so myself.

Spanos: It's got nothing to do with the roster. Look at what he did with the Kansas City Chiefs in '97: 13-3 with Elvis Grbac as starting quarterback. With his brains, you could put him anywhere and he'd come out on top. Except maybe Detroit. Coaching - same as in baseball, only more so. Coaching wins football games.

Smith: Look, with a general manager who's able to pull off trades like Eli Manning for Shawne Merriman, Philip Rivers and Nate Kaeding -

Spanos: Looking good, A.J.!

Smith: Feeling good, Dean! Anyway, with a genius G.M. like that, I'll bet some former linebacker could guide this team to 30 points a game. Geez, we could get Parcells! Maybe he'd score us a playoff win.

Spanos: Are we talking about a wager, A.J.?

Smith: Coaching vs. playing talent? We'll have to do more than fire Schottenheimer. We should clean house, we could lose Cam Cameron, Wade Phillips...

Spanos: Rob Chudzinski, Greg Manusky...

Smith: To replace them, we'd have to get completely the wrong combination, with the worst sort of people. I mean real scum, Dean.

Spanos: Ah, come on, Rex Ryan isn't that bad...

Smith: The players will have to adjust to a completely new game plan.

Spanos: Could be rough going...

Smith: And not only will we be engaging in an amusing little bet of the sort that did Dan Aykroyd proud back in the day, we'll be able to solve an important philosophical question. The fans will love us.

Spanos: Indubitably, A.J.

Smith: The usual amount?

Spanos: Why not?

Smith: Just one question: What if we go 4-12 this year?

Spanos: Ah, then we'll rebuild and move the team to L.A. in a couple of years.

Smith and Spanos laugh maniacally. San Diego football fans (we know you're out there; we hear you breathing) fume. Cut to gratuitous shot of Jamie Lee Curtis undressing in front of a mirror.

Honest-to-Murphy behind-the-scenes coverage of the malicious forces running the San Diego Chargers at RealFootball365.com.
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's ...
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