Cowboy mailbag: Noose made ready for “hack” writer

By Os Davis  |   Friday, November 10, 2006  |  Comments( 2 )

Dallas Cowboys
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I reckon it's a good thing this ain't the Old West, 'r else ah'd have a pack of dudes goin' by names like "Tyrone the Kid" and "Black T" ready t' make mah patootie look like a hunka Swiss cheese over what I said about sheriff Bill Parcells and his Dallas Cowboys.

Geez, I was just calling it as I saw it on the TV: A bunch of clips, close-ups and replays that put on display an unhappy coach and an underprepared team. Look, I like Parcells and believe that the Cowboys are potentially an NFC championship-contending team. Really. The problem is that the little things - Terrell Owens' occasional annoying bad behavior, the "QB controversy" zombies from the media, the silly penalties - together with the major O-line issues look to be slowly driving Parcells, a bit older than with the New York Giants, mad.

The piece entitled "The straw that broke Bill Parcells' back" apparently got shoved under quite a few fingernails, 'cause the e-Pony Express done left a big virtual sack ah mail.

All I can say is, "Waill, now, hold on there, pardners. Ah reckon y'all're overreactin' a little."

Quite a few respondents were ready to lay the Cowboys' recent trouble at the Tuna's feet. The reader known only as Jack (cue vigilante music) flat-out termed Parcells an idiot, echoing the thoughts of many questioning the man's sanity. To wit: "The straw that broke the Cowboys' back was Parcells' stupid decision to go for the two-point conversion so early in the game. ... If he did it there why not always do it?? It makes no sense and once again proved to be the difference maker in the game."

Yes, I thought this was bizarre, too, but then I figured, "well, hey, I've done it in Madden lots of times before."

A fan by the name of John G. wrote in to say, among other niceties, "What a clueless hack you are, now just move on. I think it's (sic) just better if I don't bother reading anything you write ever again." Wait a minute, that's from the Green Bay Packers page; that's what you get for trying to say a nice word or two about Brett Favre...

"Tuna Casarole" punched in a very excited letter also denigrating Parcells that indicated he should at least cut down on the caffeine: "HOW BOUT THEM BOYS!!!!!..PARCELLS IS NOW ..VERY OVERRATED...HE HASN'T WON/THE OTHER NE BILL...HIS ANTIC'S ARE GETTING OLD, JUST TO....FOR A GUY WHO THINKS HE'S JERRY RICE , TO SHOULD KEEP QUITE AND CATCH SOME PASSES.....HAIL TO THE REDKINS...FROM A BIG BLUE FAN..."

Wait a minute, Casarole, are you really a Cowboys backer?

Slightly more coherent was Tyrone Crawford, who wrote "Mr. Os Davis, When will you, and the rest of the sportswriters start putting the Dallas Cowboys' problems squarely where it should be placed? And that's at Bill (the so-called "legend") Parcells' doorstep. I think it's highly unfair [to] not hold Parcells accountable for this mess that HE has put in place for the past four years now. Any coach whose team has as many penalties as this team gets week after week, the media would be screaming about his resignation."

Parcells stated in a Monday press conference that ultimately "yes, I am responsible for" the 11 penalties the Cowboys ran up against Washington and the deadly numbers this team has suffered this year. Publicly, the Tuna states his guys have the classic "lack of discipline." I'm sticking by the opinion that they're playing dumb.

Mr. Crawford also pointed out that "The truth is, Parcells has only had success when the 'other Bill' in New England was with him coaching." I like how this insight has been making the rounds at RealFootball365 and, since I've used it in bar debates, I'd like to give props to the guy who spilled it here first on the Cowboy pages back in October, the Cincinnati Bengals scribe Tre Hutchinson!

On the whole Parcells question, there's an interesting phenomenon about with the 'Pokes losing ugly again and sitting at 4-4 while squandering chances to overtake the limp Philadelphia Eagles. Those who knew all along that Dallas was going nowhere in 2006 because its coach is overrated are suddenly proliferating online. Huh. Guess they've just been maintaining a dignified silence since the preseason.

If, in fact, writers love Parcells, there is a reason. The fact is the man has two Super Bowl rings. It doesn't matter how old that jewelry is; its very existence gives the Tuna the benefit of the doubt. How many active coaches have that many? Heck, how many have appeared in three Super Bowls? The Bill Belichicks and the Joe Gibbses (also sloppily managing in terms of penalties this season, as reader WH pointed out) and Mike Shanahans are proven winners who deserve said benefit.

And, of course, I must give props to the best letter I've received in years. From "Terrible Column" (if that is your real name) questioned if I'd even watched the game, suggesting my opinions indicating I hadn't seen the game, was wrong about Mike Vanderjagt's pathetic field goal attempt and, on Kyle Kosier's facemask penalty, well, Terrible should really take over here in order to get the proper portrait of vitriolic rage.

"...try to take some pride in your work and do some research before you make yourself look like a moron. It's also been said by more than one analyst who WATCHED the game that the 15-yard facemask penalty on Kyle Kosier on Sean Taylor's return was a joke. It was of the five-yard variety at best. To call the penalty "absolutely ridiculous" is idiotic at best. If anything, it was a flailing attempt by a player not accustomed to making tackles trying to bring down a much faster, agile player. I REALLY hope this writing thing isn't your day job. If so, better start checking the help wanted ads because you're in some serious trouble."

Well, I never did see the particular Parcells interview referenced. Playing and replaying the thing showed me nothing extraordinarily revealing but, even though I didn't actually SEE Parcells saying it, I guess I'll take your word for it and stand corrected.

The alleged non-ridiculousness of a suitably heavy millionaire athlete "flailing" at all being a side issue, I looked at the call on Kosier several times. Here's what I saw: Kosier performs a Superman parallel-to-the-ground flying maneuver, grabbing for Sean Taylor at the face level. Why wasn't he trying to tackle, say, anywhere below the waist, as even a hack like myself understands is more proper football technique.

The difference between a five- and a 15-yard penalty on a facemask is arbitrary. Any personal foul penalty, including the second-degree facemask happens when "a player commits a conduct- or safety-related infraction." This is a judgment call, folks, made by professionals who are ostensibly more knowledgeable than we are and who definitely have a better angle on the playing field then we do.

Incidentally, how many more billions of times will blaming the referees for a loss be used as a refuge to excuse incompetence? (I know you were kidding when you suggested bribery, T, unless Vandershank was in on the deal to give Washington the game as well.) It's tired and weak. Plus, the fact is, if your team wins the game convincingly (as Dallas should have), it is simply never put in the position to need a referee's call to swing its way. A loss "because of the refs" is still a loss.

Glad you enjoyed the piece, Terrible, and thanks for the career advice. It's nice when somebody really "HOPES" the best for you. Good luck with your own career in spamming.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to clean my dueling pistols while perusing the classifieds...

Lots of light-hearted opinions and non-controversial material about the Dallas Cowboys on RealFootball365.com
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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