Parcells’ retirement statement (speculative unexpurgated version)

By Os Davis  |   Thursday, January 25, 2007  |  Comments( 7 )

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"I am retiring from coaching football," reads Bill Parcells' retirement statement, so fashionably delivered through the medium of email. (Do you suppose Brett Favre will announce his retirement in like fashion?)

It was unfortunate indeed that The Tuna, always loved for the art of the press conference, chose to go out this way. Why couldn't he have come out to dis just one more mealy-mouthed, softball-tossing press corps? Why couldn't he have just one more demonstrated creative use of a pronoun or another clever play on the verb "to suck"? The bland statement of empty sweet nothings hardly befits the Sportswriter Hall of Fame-level quotable Tuna.

What was really in Parcells' heart of hearts when he came to the decision? Since he's now out of the press-baiting game, we'll never know.

So we'll just have to make it up, reading between lines and culling meaning from Parcells' past press conference performances. In this writer's mind, the great Parcells' final statement goes something like this:

"I want to thank Jerry Jones and Stephen Jones for their tremendous support over the last four years. (But why, why, why, didn't they let me pick the damn groceries?) Also, the players, my coaching staff and others in the support group who have done so much to help (make this decision very easy). Dallas is a great city (particularly if you're into big hats) and the Cowboys are an integral part of it (which is to say a towering obsession). I am hopeful (That's me: the paragon of hope!) that they are able to go forward from here.

"I am in good health (for a large-sized marine mammal) and feel lucky(ish) to have been able to coach in the NFL for an extended period of time (especially since 'no matter how much you've won, no matter how many games, no matter how many championships, no matter how many Super Bowls, you're not winning now, so you stink'). I leave the game and the NFL with nothing (well, OK, not nothing. Never not nothing) but good(ish) feelings and gratitude to all (four of) the players, coaches and other people (like the girls at the counter at Wendy's) that have assisted me in that regard (with serious Texas-sized contracts)."

Finally, with the close of Parcells' coaching career, a quick listing of the man's top three quotes:

On Terrell Owens: "He just sucks you guys in, doesn't he? Well, consider yourselves sucked."

On his final game, the divisional round match against the Seattle Seahawks: "I did the best I could, but it wasn't quite good enough."

"Success is never final, but failure can be."

So long, Mr. Parcells. You'll be missed.

(Hey, can't they give him a job on "Monday Night Football"?)

RealFootball365.com: Where the Tuna will forever be remembered fondly.
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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CommentsComments: 7  |  Sign Up  View all comments
No.1
bruce		03:38 PM
01/25/2007
good move picking up jason garrett as the off.coord.,who parcells was going to sign if he had come back.it says a lot that...
No.2
Red baron		07:30 PM
01/25/2007
Jason Garrett sucks Bruce... he sure didn't help Culpepper or Harrington when he was there in Miami and sure didn't save 15% on...
No.3
The Punisher		12:30 AM
01/26/2007
how can a guy who sucked at qb be any good at calling plays for the offense? yea and miami really blew people out didn't they...
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