Dolphins offseason filled with peculiarity

By Joe Mayes  |   Wednesday, July 16, 2008  |  Comments( 8 )

Miami Dolphins
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With just over a week to go before players report to training camp, the Miami Dolphins -- like most NFL teams this time of year -- have more unanswered questions than Brett Favre has second thoughts. It’s as regular as the seasons: Fall and winter are times for teams to find answers, while spring and summer are reserved for questions.

Unlike most clubs, however, the questions surrounding the Dolphins aren’t simply the ordinary, football variety. Granted, like other teams, they are wondering who the quarterback will be, which veteran will not show up to camp, how stars coming back from injury will perform, and what the new coaching staff will do.

But unlike most other teams, the Dolphins face some bizarre questions, ones that make fans scratch their heads and wonder how things got to this point.

So as training camp approaches, RealFootball365.com will look at the peculiar questions surrounding the 2008 Dolphins:

- What is the over/under on the number of dancing metaphors Kevin Harlan and/or Gus Johnson will use if Jason Taylor returns to the Dolphins? (Yes, it will be Kevin Harlan or Gus Johnson. No way the Dolphins will merit any better than CBS’ fourth-string announcing team.)

- After spending $2.335 million for a home just one year ago, Trent Green lost $210,000 when he recently sold his house in Weston. The question is: Did Randy Mueller include in Green’s contract that the Dolphins will reimburse the quarterback for such a loss?

- In NFL history, has there ever been a softer-sounding running back tandem than “Ronnie and Ricky"? Isn’t there a manly nickname fans can use, perhaps something like “Blue” and “Steel"?

- How many games will it take before the last NFL team loses, signaling just six more weeks of listening to Mercury Morris?

This next set of questions deserves its own segment, mainly because it refers to a piece of news so odd that even seasoned newspapermen and women couldn’t report it when it happened. It was so strange that writers seemingly needed video evidence certified by PricewaterhouseCoopers that the events actually happened the way they were described. Then the writer would still be hard-pressed to report it two weeks after it happened.

But it did, so here are the questions:

- Show of hands: How many of you have ever cut firewood with a chainsaw?
- Again with the hands: How many of you (over the age of 7) have ever been asked to hold a piece of firewood while your brother comes at it with a chainsaw?
- Finally, one more show of hands: How many of you were stupid enough to actually do it?!?

Dolphins QB Josh McCown is, by all accounts, a great guy, a good teammate and a fierce competitor. He’s done nothing in his career to call into question his character and has battled on the field everywhere he’s been.

But seriously, he did what?

For those who haven’t heard, following is a summary of the true story of Josh, Luke and the chainsaw (written with a mostly straight face):

Around the end of June, Josh McCown suffered a cut requiring six stitches on the index finger of his right (throwing) hand. The injury occurred while McCown was holding a piece of firewood that his younger brother -- Tampa Bay Buccaneers backup quarterback Luke McCown -- was attempting to cut. According to reports, the younger McCown “made the mistake of cutting [Josh’s] finger instead of the firewood.”

Seriously.

That’s the type of offseason it has been for the Dolphins. From owner H. Wayne Huizenga metaphorically taking a chainsaw to the organization to one NFL quarterbacking McCown literally taking a chainsaw to another. From legendary football man Bill Parcells coming in to run the team to the reigning NFL Man of the Year possibly dancing his way out of Miami.

It’s been a year for the books, and fans should be thankful it’s almost time to finish this chapter and close the book on a time most Dolphins loyalists would like to forget.

Look at it this way: No matter what happens once the season begins, it certainly can’t be any weirder than this offseason.

Right?
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About Joe Mayes

Joe Mayes is an award-winning writer with credits ranging from national sports columns to local newspapers and commercial and technical writing. Joe is the host of "The Morning Wrap," a morning drive-time sports talk radio show on WTKE-FM in Northwest ...
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