Learning to speak Lurie

By Lou DiPietro  |   Friday, August 08, 2008  |  Comments( 6 )

Philadelphia Eagles
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Just like ol’ Punxsutawney Phil, Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie pops his head out of the ground once a year to give his State of the Eagles address. The 2008 edition happened earlier this week, and it was quite entertaining – in that “I spoke for an hour and didn’t say a darn thing” kind of way.

In case you missed it, he had quite a bit to not say about several Eagles who have been the talk of the summer. Here are a few highlights:

Lurie on Brian Westbrook’s contract status: “It's sort of life in sports these days with contracts. I don't really have a problem when a player outperforms his contract. My philosophy, and I think it's the organization's philosophy, is to try to always be fair. Adapt to where things are at. You try to be fair and do contracts when they make sense for the team. You're trying to spread it out as best you can so you have the best possible roster. At the same time, you want to be fair to every single player. I just think there's a sense of fairness that we always try to uphold and you can't always succeed at it or it's not always perceived, necessarily, by every single person. That's the nature of it. Because that's the philosophy, I think all these things play themselves out in a successful way.”

Wait, what? That statement went in so many circles that I apologize if you got dizzy reading it. You try to be fair to every player, but you also have to spread out your money as best you can? That’s a SHOCKING insight into the world of business right there. By the way, folks, that was about one-third of Lurie’s non-answer. Here’s a hard piece of info for you, Jeff: Brian Westbrook is the most important player on the team not named Donovan McNabb, and he plays a position where he’s about two-thirds of his way through his NFL life expectancy. Pay up.

Lurie on Lito Sheppard’s contract issues: “The one thing I never do is I try to always be positive about every single player on the roster.”

Granted, I may have a copy editor here at RF365.com, but was that English? He continues: “I don't get involved in the press, particularly with agents, nor do I deal directly with agents. So, I'm not even going to address that. I will say that I'm very hopeful that Lito will have a terrific season … show us, and the league, that he's back to the old Lito, feels healthy, (that) he's got great playmaking ability and just really perform the way that we know Lito can. I think that's what he's going to do."

Well what was he supposed to say? “Lito's awful, and that’s why we couldn’t trade him, so he’s now an overpaid nickel corner?”

And now, for the coup de grace, his three-part opus on Shawn Andrews.

On Andrews missing camp: “I don't have a lot to say about Shawn because I have no idea what's really going on. I'm just kind of relying on [head coach] Andy [Reid]. He's in communication. You don't want to pre-judge anything until you know what's going on. It's certainly disappointing he's not here. Other players get reps and improve because that's the game of football, you've got to prepare. He's been hurt before so we had to prepare anyway. I'm hopeful Shawn will have a terrific season, be here and that things will work themselves out. But I don't have knowledge (of the situation)."

You pay the guy’s salary, right, Jeff? I know not every owner is George Steinbrenner, but what do you do all day? Apparently you don't watch Eagles games, because the Shawn Andrews you were asked about has sat out only one game in the last three years. Unless you’re talking about 2004, when Andrews missed basically the whole season – but half of the current roster wasn’t even in the league that year, let alone in Philadelphia. So yeah, that’s about as relevant as putting “I once ate a Big Mac” on your McDonald’s application. There’s a big difference between “he has a minor injury, so let’s form a contingency plan” and “the guy is AWOL.”

But when asked if it was a problem that he doesn’t know why Andrews is missing, Lurie said, “I do have knowledge in terms of Andy's conversations and so Andy's kind of the emissary to Shawn Andrews at this point."

Well, do you know or don’t you? This isn’t a congressional hearing, Jeff; rather, it’s your own press conference. If this is such an issue, I’d hate to ask him what’s for dinner. “Well, I’m not sure, but my wife said chicken. She’s cooking the meal, but you never know.”

And finally, on whether he thinks Andrews will show up: “Yes, I’m confident he’ll be here, but that’s just conjecture.”

Well, Jeff, I’m confident that Barack Obama will be a great president, but that’s just conjecture. After all, he has to be nominated and elected first, but I heard from a friend of a friend that he saw on television that Sen. Obama is ahead in the polls. That’s called knowledge of the situation.

Philly fans perhaps never thought they'd see the day that someone responsible for their sports catharsis knows less than they do. Then again, though, that’s just conjecture.

Training Camp: An entirely new kind of fantasy game!
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About Lou DiPietro

Lou DiPietro is an accomplished freelance writer who is fascinated with all things sports. In addition to his duties at RealFootball365.com, Lou contributes to TheBleacherReport.com and Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazine, and has been featured on "The Sports Buffet with Matt West" on 1080-AM ESPN...
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