The 10 Commandments of Live Fantasy Drafting

By Os Davis  |   Sunday, August 24, 2008  |  Comments( 7 )

Fantasy Football
Got something to say?

Log In above and share your thoughts on this topic with other fans!

With the pressure building to put together a 2008 team for a fantasy football playoff run (or at least a couple of steps’ worth of competence above laughable), advice was sought in all corners of the earth. While contemplating the nagging philosophic poser, “How early should Tom Brady go in Round 1?” this fantasy owner recently took a little hike up Mt. Sinai.

What came down from the peak in my company was not so much a pair of tablets inscribed with the word of God as some mad scribblings, wisps of knowledge perhaps foolishly believed gained in all the futile years of fantasy ownership. Divine intervention or no, though, you can bet these will be tattooed on me "Memento"-style before my draft next weekend.

And so, from a reading from the Book of (Quentin) Moses, The 10 Commandments of Live Fantasy Drafting:

I. Thou shalt not idly boast about last season’s success. In sports parlance, this could be translated as “everyone starts the season in first place.” This, after all, is the “what have you done for me lately?” era of sports, and the truth is that nobody cares if you’ve been winning your fantasy league since before Al Gore invented the Internet despite carrying Chad Pennington for the past three years. One second-place finish and you will never live down your ugly mojito- and Dos Equis-fueled trash talking. Never.

II. Thou shalt not be a homer. Putting the “Homer” into “homer” in 2008 will be those fantasy owners residing in the Raider Nation who start JaMarcus Russell, Darren McFadden and Javon Walker. All together now: D’oh! Whoo hoo! D’oh! Whoo hoo! Repeat throughout 16 games

III. Thou shalt not boldly prognosticate with assumed knowledge of wicked seers. Trash talking, good. Know-it-all attitude, bad. Seriously, dude, you don’t know what's going to happen in the 2008 regular season; you just think you do, exactly like everybody is. If you really could have foretold everything from former superstud Jamal Lewis turning in his second-best fantasy season with a new outfit to the emergence of Ryan Grant in Green Bay, well, you ought to be reeling in bigger fish than those in your $100 fantasy league.

IV. Honor thy host and brothers: Or, Thou shalt buy at least one round, particularly after a round that you felt you won. Incidentally, if you’re drafting first overall, the first words out of your mouth after “LaDainian Tomlinson” should be “and a round for all my friends here.”

V. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain whilst thou bitcheth about how one of the owners in front of you in the draft order (more than once). Don’t you love the fantasy owner who bemoans his selection in every round with, “Well, I was gonna take Player X until Owner Y took him two spots ahead of me”? What’s nice about it is that this guy is showing gaps in his strategy -- i.e., no adaptability to changing conditions.

VI. Thou shalt not believe past performance is necessarily indicative of future results. How can people go into business with a stockbroker and accept this principle, but not with fantasy football ownership? Let’s have some priorities, people! In fantasy football, the disclaimer means that those who spot the sleepers win. Blindly picking the guy who had the best year last season will earn you a spot in the middle of the table at best.

VII. Thou must not get on any bandwagon. Combined with the Second Commandment, Cleveland Browns fans’ll have it tough in fantasy football this year. The hometown and mainstream media are taking a 10- or 11-win season for granted, but even if this does come to fruition, you can bet that the 2008 Browns will go down as one of those greater-than-the-sum-of-parts teams. Sure, Kellen Winslow II will probably be a stat monster again, but is Donte’ Stallworth really a great mid-round pick, going from No. 3 option on the Patriots to No. 3 option on the Browns? How many points will the (albeit improved) defense surrender this year? And does everyone really believe this much in Derek Anderson?

VIII. Thou shalt not talk trash about a brethren’s real-life team. No matter if you’re a die-hard New York Giants fan in a league populated by a dozen Bostoners, you’ve got to conserve energy and focus on the goal: To talk trash about the brilliant fantasy team you’re building.

IX. Thou shalt not wear, nor use as totem, nor even possess any bit of fake memorabilia upon which your fantasy team’s name is festooned. Look, the lucky Chicago Bears bear cozy is bad enough, isn’t it?

X. Thou shalt not employ Brett Favre as starting quarterback. Go ahead, don’t believe me: Draft Favre in the third round, stuff him in the top spot. I’ll be drafting the Buffalo Bills and/or New England Patriots defense to sit back and collect those interceptions and sacks in Weeks 2, 9, 11 and 15 while I laugh and laugh and ... what’s that? The Third Commandment? Aw, hell ... isn’t there something in here “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”?

Fantasy Playbook: An entirely new kind of fantasy game!
Got something to say?

Log In above and share your thoughts on this topic with other fans! (7)

About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's ...
read more
Article Tools Share!   |  RSS  |  Bleacher Report About Bleacher Report