Fire Millen, hire Seattle Lion!

By Os Davis  |   Monday, April 21, 2008  |  Comments( 1 )

Detroit Lions
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The other shoe dropped in New York over the weekend in another American sport, which saw the tragic (for comedy writers) departure of Isiah Thomas. The exodus of incompetence from the Big Apple now leaves the NFL with the illustrative example of bad management in the sports world: That’s right, Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen is in the spotlight.

No enumeration of dead-end move by dead-end move is necessary here; any Motor City Kitties fan would be “happy” to sit you down for a prolonged rant detailing the subject. Suffice to say that some 13 ex-Lions are eating into Detroit’s salary cap for 2008 to the tune of $15.2 million, while the team has run up a 31-81 record (for a .254 winning percentage) since the Millen Era began in 2001. Heck, Millen assessed his own work as “beyond awful” as recently as late February.

Oh, and like Isiah, Millen’s well taken care of: For his excellent work, the man was the single highest-paid GM in the NFL until Bill Parcells landed with the Miami Dolphins.

Surely, this guy can’t survive another sub-.500 season.

To this end, RealFootball365.com announces its support for the candidacy of Seattle Lion Fan. SLF is the blogger for the slightly masochistic Web site FireMillen.com; if not the first “fire”-titled site, FireMillen.com is surely – and sadly – the longest-lasting of them all. So why not Seattle Lion in Detroit?

Just listen to these promises and tell me this isn’t the most attractive candidate for a high-end high-level sports management job since Bill Simmons auditioned at becoming the Milwaukee Bucks’ head neuron (an imaginary, alternate universe-type move that any sportswriter is professionally obligated to call the greatest possible hire of all time):

Matt Millen will be kicked to the curb with a compensation check of 50 cents only to have that taken away by a Pizza Hut delivery person, just to show Millen how it feels to be screwed year after year…getting the fans hopes up and then leaving them with nothing...

A good start: This is the equivalent of a presidential candidate offering to bring the troops stationed in Iraq home on the new administration’s “Day 1.” The politically expedient move here, to be sure. No clue why Seattle hates Pizza Hut courier so much, though.

Ford Field gets changed to Lions Stadium because after all, Fords don’t play there, the Lions do. … Why do we have Gillette Stadium, the RCA Dome or Invesco Field? C’mon, the Bank of America Stadium or the University of Phoenix Stadium? Has the NFL become creditors or members of the NCAA?

Indeed! Here’s more votes from the people for protesting the out-of-control avarice that results in ugly aberrations like University of Phoenix Stadium.

I’m going to lure Bill Cowher out of his cushy job and get him back on the sidelines where he belongs as a head coach...

Amazing that this has never been considered or even mused over. Because Cowher will probably sit out 2008 as well, subjecting us all to more cheesy yuks with Dan Marino and the boys on CBS, perhaps whispers of the Cowher-to-Detroit variety will begin in 2009. Of course, Cowher isn’t obsessed with the sort of “character issues” and, ahem, nepotism that head coach Rod Marinelli currently has going on in Detroit.

Then I’m going to find an aggressive, young assistant GM to build the team to Cowher specifications … it’s going to have an offensive line that can block out the sun. The offense will be a perfect blend of run and pass. Not sure who the QB or RB will be but Roy Williams and [Calvin Johnson] will become the superstars we all know they are...

When the Millen Era finally does in fact come to a close, it’d be nice for the Lions to go youthful at GM, taking a dyed-in-the-wool Theo Epstein sort; heck, Seattle Lion could fill the bill, for that matter. As for Williams and Johnson, just imagine what sort of accolades would be showered upon this pair should Detroit put together a winning season or two: Much deserved accolades, particularly on smilin’ Roy’s part.

The defense is going to be a pack of wild wolves, always attacking and knows how to tackle. A rule that cannot be broken is a player will be fined $1,000 if he attempts to arm-tackle. I want to hear the hits and I want the opposing team to question their collective manhood...

Here spittle flies from Seattle Lion’s mouth powered by the thrust of a half-century of frustration as his fists pound the virtual podium.

I’m going to buy the Detroit Lions…anybody got $950 million they can loan me? I’m good for it!

So the single hitch in the perfect plan is found. The good news here, though, is that the boss here is certain to help you out. Just one problem, Seattle Lion: How would you feel about renaming it RealFootball365.com Stadium?

Voting for the candidate, not the party, throughout the year at RealFootball365.com
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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