An apt name for Detroit’s season-ticket scandal

By Os Davis  |   Thursday, May 22, 2008  |  Comments( 2 )

Detroit Lions
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To: Editor@RealFootball365.com
Cc: All
Re: Those contemptible bastards in the Detroit Lions' front office

Here’s the piece about the Matt Schul/Lance Powser/Tom Lewand e-mail scandal happening Detroit Lions land" target="_new">over in Detroit Lions Land. It’s another open letter format thing; keep hoping one of the guys up there will someday read this stuff, but it still seems utterly unlikely. Just make sure you delete this first part before running this piece; I wouldn’t want the front-office guys to get their knickers in a knot. As for that story about the team’s chances of winning the NFC North in 2008, well, f*** ‘em until next year.

Dear Matt Schul, Lance Powser and especially Tom Lewand,

I am not a Detroit Lions season-ticket holder, though these days I sure wish I was. At $5,000 for six people, or $167 per person per win should the team manage five wins at home -- which you’ve managed to do twice this decade -- that’s quite a bargain.

On behalf of all partially jaded NFL fans, what with the suddenly inevitable lockout just three years from now, I’d like to thank these esteemed front-office guys for utterly and honestly reminding us all of laying bare the mentality that can peaceably exist in the sports world. This sort of story never gets old, and it is good to be reminded – daily if necessary – that those entrusted stewardship over millions of devoted enthusiasts are typically the least deserving of the concomitant power and responsibility.

Speaking of the news, it’s swell that, just as discourse about Spygate is gasping its last few breaths as the reigning tawdry NFL offseason headline, something far more idiotic (and quite frankly hilarious in that schadenfreude way) to distract members of certain fan bases who might be worried about a franchise MLB’s holdout or an entire squad going Sharks vs. Jets. All this bush-league scandal needs now is a name: May we suggest “F***em-gate"? You’re welcome.

(Incidentally, warning to the wise: The term “F***em-gate” and all reasonably derivative variations thereof are now officially copyrighted by, and thus the intellectual property of, RealFootball365.com. If we hear of you or any employee of Detroit Lions Football Inc. or anyone affiliated with anyone with Detroit Lions Football Inc. using the term, well, we will come after you.)

And finally, in this day when so much business and general interpersonal relations takes place via email, it’s good to know that someone still cares about “netiquette.” Hopefully, a great many football enthusiasts will have learned the valuable lesson taught by Mr. Schul, namely to double-check those recipients before hitting “Send to All,” and therefore will be saved the sort of grievous retribution that in many other walks of life would result in loss of employment.

In this way, too, was the Lions' brain trust allowed another opportunity to publicly back employees who admirably refuse to back down from previous stances taken, no matter how controversial. Any vote of confidence from within the front office for its seemingly errant members is no doubt good enough for the loyal fans of Detroit. (Especially those loyal fans of Detroit who don’t understand the arbitrary relocation of seats bought as season ticket holders, eh?)

I’d opine that perhaps this rudeness, disrespect and general incompetence is reflected in Detroit Lions Football Inc.’s recent general hiring patterns behind the scenes and on the field over the past seven seasons, but some might consider that slander and I don’t need to feel hunted down like I was Salman Rushdie.

In short, thank you for the world of good you’ve done the league. In a world where things may not always make sense and sometimes it feels like you just can’t count on anything, you guys came through as a model of consistency.

(Just one teeny tiny little thing: Do you have to use the cusswords? I mean, I managed to get through an entire column without using the most profane expression within the greater Ford Field: You know, two words, rhyme with “ire” and “illin’.” Remember, guys, the NFL is a family friendly organization.)

Yours,

Os Davis

Coverage of F***em-gate throughout the year at RealFootball365.com
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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