Bizarro Lions am right on track!

By Os Davis  |   Tuesday, September 09, 2008  |  Comments( 4 )

Detroit Lions
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In the homeland of the Detroit Lions, fans have to be loving the team’s fantastic 21-34 performance against the mighty Atlanta Falcons. No, we’re not talking the team’s Motor City home, but rather the actual origin point of this back-assward squad: Bizarro World, a magical place where up is down, water is dry and Matt Millen and Rod Marinelli are destined for the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Commentary: So how did the Bizarro Lions do on Sunday in achieving their stated goals for 2008? Below runs a checklist of Lion priorities; surely Bizarro World citizens am very proud, indeed.

• Emphasize the running game. After spinning the halfback carousel for several rotations since the end of last season – brief summary: Kevin Jones is the starter, Kevin Jones is released; Tatum Bell is re-signed after attitude sat him down for half the year and assumed to be prospective starter; Lions trade up to snag Kevin “Chasing Amy” Smith on draft Saturday in order to develop him in 2008; Smith is given starting job after Bell flops in preseason efforts; Lions sign Rudi Johnson at last minute, claim he’ll start by season’s end – Marinelli & Co. nevertheless decided that last season’s 31st-best running game would be the focus in 2008.

So what happened in Week 1 of the Lions’ brave new world? Thanks to the traditional hole-digging granted by the defense, Detroit managed just 38 throws against 19 rushes, an even 66.6 percent and a serious improvement on 2007, when Detroit called pass just about 65 percent of the time.

• No attitude guys, all character guys. Why did the Lions trade away defensive tackle Shaun Rogers, the only bona fide potential All-Pro? “Character,” we were told via dispatch from Bizarro World, as Detroit was apparently interested in Christian gentlemen and “good locker-room guys.” Such ambitions were achieved in the preseason, with draft picks Jordon Dizon and Gosder Cherilus both pleading guilty to offenses in court.

This nice form continued in Week 1. Early in the second quarter, there was Jon Kitna – that pinnacle of leadership and team play – chewing out dumbfounded-looking assistant head coach/passing game coordinator Kippy Brown while Calvin Johnson rolled his eyes while trying to calculate exactly how many more games he’ll have to play as a Lion.

• The Marinelli dogma of full effort throughout. In Bizarro World, Detroit fans have to be a little disappointed in the 110 percent the Lions gave Sunday. Perhaps, however, Marinelli’s belief that hard work trumps all might actually be augmented by a bit of actual skill. Michael “The Burner” Turner consistently shed tacklers like horseflies for 220 yards and a neat 10.0 yards per carry average; few noticed, incidentally, that Jerious Norwood notched a 6.6 per-carry average on 14 rushes. And could anyone count high enough to figure the yards after catch turned in by Falcons receivers? Maybe the Lions just weren’t getting those pads low enough, eh, Rod?

• Make the opposition look good. An essential for any successful Bizarro World league team, Detroit’s charitable contribution to the career of Matt Ryan was a classic. Entering the season as a huge interception-chucking question mark out of Boston College, all Ryan needed was a little Lion “defense” to get his confidence up and make him look like a Manning-level QB. Just nine completions were enough to shred the Honolulu blue-and-silver, which, in spite of a Cover 2 designed to prevent the long gain, gave up completions of 62 and 46 yards from the rookie. Such an excellent performance from the Detroit passing ‘D’ will surely only be topped by Aaron Rodgers when the Green Bay Packers come to Bizarro World.

Fantasy Football Impact: It’s so hard to tell, isn’t it? Smith appeared to be way ahead of the learning curve, so he’s a keeper at RB. At least until he’s splitting carries with Rudi Johnson. Meanwhile, forget the propaganda about the Lions running the ball and keep Calvin Johnson at No. 1 receiver. Kitna, meanwhile, remains a brilliant Bizarro/fantasy quarterback, last year running up 4,000-plus yards while “leading” his team to the second-worst third-down completion rate of 33 percent; such trends show no sign of reversal.

Epilogue: True, the season is hardly over and, as they say, “There’s still a lot of football left.” So, take heart, Bizarro fans! Certainly the Lions can get much worse and make the fans happy with a nice high first-round draft pick in 2009. It am all good!
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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