Simply the worst

By Os Davis | Tuesday, November 21, 2006 | ( 0 )

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Congratulations, Matt Millen: You've helped get another team back to that old familiar spot at the top. The top of the worst teams list, that is, in a tour de force of dominance that has replaced "Arizona Cardinals" with "Detroit Lions" as a synonym for "losing football team."

Seriously (and there is no longer any way to approach any discussion of Lions "football"), the team has gone beyond jokes and kidding. Frankly speaking, writing about these Kitty Cats and the false tantalizing optimism that bubbles surface-side every few games can get tiresome. What is there to analyze any more?

"It has come to this," reads the lead of coverage by Detroit Free-Press sportswriter Nicholas J. Cotsonika in wake of the Lions' loss to the Cardinals, 17-10. My new heroes? Cotsonika and writers of his ilk who've had to cover this football-like stuff for at least the past six years, while the team has run up a 23-66 record while drafting 27 wide receivers, blowing the salary cap until 2067, jacking ticket prices to the price of a, say, Ford midsize, and generally running in place on the field.

"[W]atching the Lions tremble in fear before Arizona's desert dregs Sunday challenges all semblance of football decency," wrote Cotsonika's long-suffering colleague at the Free-Press, Drew Sharp.

And, as is well-known, it's been this way for years. In direct opposition to the NFL's reputation as an exemplar of parity in American sports today, the league can't create enough wild cards to squeak in a 17th game for the Lions. Since the introduction of the Houston Texans in 2002, exactly six teams have not appeared in the playoffs since then: the Texans; perpetual also-rans Arizona and the New Orleans Saints; the Buffalo Bills and the Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins, incidentally, actually posted a 10-6 record in 2003.

Heck, with the loss to the Cardinals, the Lions are again assured not to break .500 for a fifth year running, a mark matched only by the Cardinals and presumably the Texans. The Cardinals are "desert dregs"? Um, excuse me, Mr. Sharp? Mike O'Hara over at the Detroit News wrote "Welcome to the dregs, Lions. You're in bad company."

The Detroit Dregs ... that's not bad. But not at all funny.

You know what's really bad?

"We're 2-8, and that's bad," said fantastic optimist Roy Williams. Williams, happy-go-lucky in a certainly highly frustrating environment to the point of certifiable delusion. If this is the best smilin' Roy can do, well, let's guess he won't be guaranteeing victory until he signs with a potential playoff team (which is to say 84-87 percent of other NFL franchises, depending on the fate of the Saints) a couple of years from now.

Of course, the final word should be coach Rod Marinelli's. Never to be confused with a silver-tongued devil, Marinelli sought desperately for the jockspeak cliché appropriate for this season's silver-and-Honolulu blue graveyard spiral. (Finally, the answer to the question asked in a million horror movies. How do you kill what's already dead? Easy: Sign them to the Lions! And that's not even slightly funny, either.)

Ultimately, Marinelli blah-blahed his way through the post-game press conference like any coach this side of Dennis Green, duckspeaking through "We're losing." (That's why he's an NFL head coach, folks.) "The thing I see is that we're losing at the end." (Except that your team spotted the opposition a 17-point lead in the first quarter and...) "We can't close the deal." (You can't "start the deal," either: The Lions didn't start scoring until 18 minutes of game time remained.) "We're still getting opportunities to win the games..." (When?) "...and that's what we've got to close the door on." (Just don't let it hit your butt on the way out.)

Marinelli's most telling quote, though, was when he allowed us all a minute of honesty: "We're not getting better," he said.

And look who's coming over for Thanksgiving: the Miami Dolphins. On a three-game winning streak. With Joey Harrington at QB. Remember him? The guy you couldn't wait to cut ties with, Mr. Marinelli? Remember? Mr. Millen? Ford family?

Prediction: Dolphins 30, Lions 7. And it won't be the least bit funny.

P.S.

Fire Millen. For decency's sake. Please.

Insights into the horror that is Detroit Lions football at RealFootball365.com.

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	About Os Davis Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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