Lots and lots of fudge on Thanksgiving

By Os Davis  |   Thursday, November 23, 2006  |  Comments( 1 )

Detroit Lions
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There's a certain word, a naughty word that, despite the best intentions and strongest willpower of those trying to raise young children with proper values, sometimes slips from our lips. When you realize you've forgotten the significant other's birthday. When you trip and nearly break your neck on a random baby toy. Or when your subjected to the pee wee league-level silliness of the Detroit Lions-Miami Dolphins Thanksgiving Day game.

In the holiday spirit at a family-oriented Web site, let's agree that the word is "fudge."

How fans in Michigan and Florida felt while watching this game is perhaps best left to the imagination, though some astute statistics-collector out there has doubtlessly discovered a strange increase in consumption of Pepto Bismol, phenytoin, prozac and good ol' fashioned beer in those two fan bases beginning right around, say, at 12:31 p.m. EST.

In a holiday tradition that has all too often been the Lions' only fond moment of the year, the silver-and-Honolulu blue's injury-riddled haplessness was matched only by coaching just a wishbone (the biological stuff, not the formation) short of incompetence. On the Miami side, the 'Phins got away with their third ugly win in a row in another step toward the illusion of a playoff bid and away from a high draft pick.

Anyone who hadn't had enough fudge by the end of the first half has a high tolerance for the stuff. This writer was dumbstruck. Check out this series of events, which must have made some think Rod Marinelli and Nick Saban were celebrating Christmas early.

The "fudging" began once Joey Harrington started displaying the kind of play Lions fans loved in him for those years he spent at the helm in Detroit. With right around four minutes, 55 seconds to go in the half, Harrington threw four consecutive incomplete passes; to be fair, though, a pair bounced off receivers' hands.

Fudge.

With Kevin Jones out, the Lions set new informal records for rushing futility. With a 10-7 lead, offensive coordinator Mike Martz had Jon Kitna throwing, throwing, throwing on every down. Spread it around? Fudge that! After finding Roy Williams for 117 yards in the first quarter (and for nine the remainder of the game), Martz and Co. must be figuring the Dolphins will never guess that the Lions have no other viable targets.

On first-and-10, the telegraphed pass to Williams is picked off without a bead of sweat from Renaldo Hill. Cut to Marinelli on the sidelines, who looks like he doesn't know what happened; heck, he looks a defensive line coach thinking, "Fudge, whomever called that play is going to get a butt-drumming from Coach."

Harrington easy tosses a 9-yard TD pass, effectively taking the home-team crowd out of the game until the inevitable cheers of "Fire Millen" in the second half.

With less than two minutes to go in the half, Detroit gets the ball back and ... fudge me, Kitna starts throwing again. Incomplete, incomplete and a 9-yard pass to Mike Furrey over the middle. Time taken off the clock: 28 seconds.

Going to the hurry-up offense, Harrington becomes thankful indeed for the Lions' suddenly particularly exploitable Tampa 2 defense. Complete pass, complete pass, complete pass on an out route. Fudging Jamar Fletcher contributes to the holiday spirit by contributing a silly hands-to-the-face penalty to help put the Miami in field goal range.

No matter, for Harrington still shows traces of the old Detroit days, throwing a pass on first down seemingly through Chris Chambers that the covering Lion couldn't hang onto. With seven seconds to go, Saban decides "ah, fudge, conservative play. And my final timeout," allowing Joey to go for the end zone. Evading the sack, Harrington predictably heaves up the interception and throws away at least three more points.

Now, since young ones and students of the game everywhere are tuned into the game, you'd think that a little explanation, a little "Kids, don't try this at home" rejoinder might be forthcoming. Of course, if you guessed this was coming, you're just not that familiar with the brutal game-calling abilities of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms.

What a fudging brutal, brutal game.

We all know that the Detroit Lions hosting a Thanksgiving game is part of the NFL's tradition, but this being the 21st century, might it not be time to rethink this one? As though sitting through the trailers for Rocky VI and infinite stupid Santa Claus ads weren't bad enough, must football junkies be forced to have a choice of one, that one being a low-level high school game? About the best thing that can be said for this Thanksgiving matchup was the noted lack of the ubiquitous John Mellencamp "Our Country" ads, thanks to the Ford family.

Fudge, what a mess in Detroit.

P.S.

This Christmas, give Millen the gift of a pink slip.

How low can the Detroit Lions go? RealFootball365.com knows.
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's ...
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