RF365’s modern-era all-criminal team

By Os Davis  |   Monday, August 27, 2007  |  Comments( 7 )

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When Michael Vick was busted and subsequently pleaded guilty to those insidious crimes connected with dogfighting activities, he immediately became today's baddest of the bad boys, the most notorious guy ever to have played quarterback in the NFL.

Combined with the recent (as in most of my lifetime) spate of crimes committed (or allegedly committed) by NFL players, Vick's confession is capable of triggering a different sort of debate in fandom: Who, exactly, would comprise a starting squad on a real-life recreation of "The Longest Yard"?

Without further ado, we present the guys who redefine "profile," the men who put the "offensive" into "offensive line," those players you hate to love ... the RealFootball365 modern-era all-criminal team!

Quarterback. Michael Vick.

Halfback. Who else but O.J. Simpson?

Fullback. Moe Williams played nine years in the NFL, peaking in 2003 with 1,389 total yards for the Minnesota Vikings. He last saw regular-season action in 2005, but is better known for his last off-field action as a key figure in the Love Boat shenanigans. Williams got off (so to speak) lightly, found guilty of disorderly conduct and given a sentence of $300, plus 30 hours of community service.

Said Williams post-verdict, "I never intended to do anything that would basically make anybody feel uncomfortable."

Isn't that right, baby? Yeah.

Wide receiver. Even among the herd of recently troubled Cincinnati Bengals, Chris Henry stands tall, racking up four arrests. In 2007, he'll be missing the first half of the season based on the league's "conduct policy." (What, buying alcohol for minors is a no-no?) Reportedly, commissioner Roger Goodell has warned Henry that another arrest could prematurely end the wideout's career. Bad news for a promising young player like Henry.

Wide receiver. Michael Irvin is a Hall of Famer and the Dallas Cowboys' all-time-leading receiver in terms of catches (750) and yardage (1,904), but he's almost as well-known for his mug shots as his football cards. Irvin was most notably busted in 1996 while hosting a shindig serving cocaine and marijuana as party favors.

His quote to police: "Don't you know who I am?"

To make things more interesting, at the party Irvin threatened a topless dancer, whose boyfriend, Dallas police officer Johnnie Hernandez, subsequently attempted to pay a DEA agent nearly $3,000 to off Irvin. This means Hernandez gets to work security at the modern-era all-criminal team home games.

Tight end. Mark Chmura, a three-time Pro Bowler in his seven-year career with the Green Bay Packers, is no stranger to legal proceedings. At 31 years of age, Chmura was accused of third-degree sexual assault of a 17-year-old - something to do with a hot-tub and post-high school prom party; he was acquitted, but cut by the Packers and never played again. By the way, Chmura was the dude who refused to shake Bill Clinton's hand because of the Monica Lewinsky flap when meeting the president after the Pack's Super Bowl win.

Offensive tackle. Bryant McKinnie, a 6-foot-8, 343-pounder, would be an asset to any team, but he's a bona fide asset to this club as a ladies' man and breathtakingly clever negotiator. After pleading guilty to disorderly conduct and public nuisance charges as part of the Love Boat case - specifically, McKinnie was accused of publicly performing oral sex - the big guy received a sentence of $1,000 and 48 hours of community service. On Sept. 9, 2006, the NFL fined him another $41,000. The next day, McKinnie got a $48 million contract extension from the Vikings. What's criminal?

Offensive tackle. Jeez, someone should make a film of Justin Strzelczyk's life, if only for that final chase scene. Strzelczyk played all positions on the O-line for the Pittsburgh Steelers for the entire 1990s before his release from the team in 2000. And then it gets interesting: In 2001, Strzelczyk was involved in a three-car accident, but fled the scene of the crime, leading police on a high-speed 37-mile chase that culminated in the man ramming his pickup head first into a truck hauling corrosive acid. Massive explosion, R.I.P. Justin Strzelczyk. Somewhat oddly, the macabre Blog of Death reports that autopsy (on what, one wonders...) revealed no alcohol or drugs were in Strzelczyk's system.

Offensive guard. Of the dozen busted Bengals, none is more notable in terms of police blotter than Eric Steinbach. Amid drug, assault and weapons-related charges, Steinbach is the only Cincinnatica member to get busted for - get this - boating under the influence.

Offensive guard. Nate Newton did 14 years in the NFL, two in the USFL with the Tampa Bay Bandits (how apropos), and two-plus years in Louisiana prison. Though Newton was a six-time Pro Bowler who once started every game for four consecutive seasons with the Cowboys, his most impressive numbers were post-NFL: 213 and 175. That's as in pounds of marijuana caught with in subsequent busts in '01. Check out this excellent article on Newton from the Dallas Observer; a choice quote: "It didn't seem like easy money, it was easy money."

Center. The key player in Super Bowl XXXVII? Barret Robbins of the Oakland Raiders. By simply not showing up, the tentative starting center changed the entire complexion of the game, allowing the swarming defense of the Buccaneers to torment Rich Gannon all Sunday long. Turns out Robbins had gone on a drinking binge in Tijuana. In early 2005, the dude attempted to resist arrest from within a ladies' restroom, got bullets in the heart and lungs from three police officers and stayed standing; he pleaded guilty to five charges and got five years of probation. Robbins suffers from bipolar disorder and has been out of the police blotter since the incident.

Defensive end. Those of us who saw Mark Gastineau spastically jump around on the field after key tackles in the 1980s - and he had a lot, including the 22 sacks in 1984 which stood as a single-season record until Michael Strahan came along - guessed the boy had to be on something. Sure enough, Gastineau retired in 1998, later admitting that he would have failed a drug test anyway. In 1999, the DE was busted a number of times for drugs and domestic violence, and he actually did time on Rikers Island. Today, Gastineau has been forgiven by Jesus Christ.

Defensive end. Jim Dunaway was the No. 3 overall pick by the AFL's Buffalo Bills in 1963, was four times named an AFL all-star and ultimately put together a 10-year career bolstering one of the junior league's finest defenses. Things got dark for Dunaway personally in 1998, when his ex-wife was found beaten and drowned in her swimming pool. Dunaway was acquitted of murder charges, but he later lost a civil suit based on the same incident. How 'bout them Bills?

Defensive tackle. Tank Johnson loves his guns and alcohol. He's also gotta hate living in limbo. It remains to be seen whether Tank will be playing in 2007...

Linebacker. What is it about linebackers that makes these guys so disproportionately busted? First up is Odell Thurman, the currently suspended Bengals linebacker who was arrested for drugs and suspended for violations of the NFL's substance abuse policy; most recently Thurman violated probation. At the hearing, Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge John Burlew - who'd met Thurman in June, when Burlew dismissed most charges down to a six-day sentence - vented about the NFL itself: "The allegations are that you had a legal substance - alcohol - in your body, a substance which [the National Football League] advertise[s] and get[s] money from, millions of dollars a year..." (Um, maybe he has a point there.)

Linebacker. Quite the roller-coaster life Hollywood Henderson has led. Picked in Round 1 of the 1977 NFL draft to play for Dallas, Henderson was already a Super Bowl champion and Pro Bowler by the end of his sophomore season. Incredibly enough, however, Henderson was enough of a coke fiend to be doing the stuff on the sidelines in those halcyon days and ultimately burned out of the NFL in 1980. By 1983, Henderson had switched to crack and did two years in prison. Incredibly enough, Henderson won a state lottery worth $28 million in 2000. Reportedly clean since '83, Henderson does anti-drug seminars these days.

Linebacker. Quite the roller-coaster year Ray Lewis had in 2000. During a Super Bowl party the type of which you definitely don't want to attend, two men were stabbed to death. Lewis was at least a witness to the event, though he probably wasn't absolutely directly involved. Lewis instead testified against the two others accused, plea-bargained, was put on probation, fined a whopping $250,000 by the league, and ... won the Super Bowl MVP award the following January.

Linebacker. One of the greatest in any category, Lawrence Taylor also reportedly drank and drugged many an NFLer under the table during his Hall of Fame career. Bad boy antics in his playing days included alcohol and cocaine (reportedly to the tune of thousands of dollars per week) abuse, substituting teammates' urine for his own come drug-test time, and the infamous prostitute hires. After his retirement, however, it seems L.T. couldn't keep up the pace. Thrice busted on drug charges and twice going through rehab that didn't stick, Taylor did a pair of prison stints before cleaning up in 1998 or so, thanking golf for addicting him to something non-chemical. And, of course, Taylor's made some money selling the video-game version of his former lifestyle, too.

Free safety. OK, somebody at Wikipedia had a little fun with Eugene Robinson. In detailing a lowlight of Robinson's outstanding 15-year career, the anonymous contributor noted that, after winning the Bart Starr Award for "high moral character," "that very night he was arrested for offering a female undercover police officer posing as a prostitute $40 for oral sex. The next day in Super Bowl XXXIII, Robinson blew his coverage on Broncos receiver Rod Smith ..." (Chuckle.)

Strong safety. When folks make jokes about the hard-partying Vikings and the stripe-wearing Bengals, they're forgetting to give those hard playing 2006 San Diego Chargers their due. Case in point: Terrence Kiel, who was busted by DEA agents at practice in September on charges of transporting and possessing a controlled substance. This was around the same time linebacker Steve Foley got caught for DWI and was shot by police and several "unidentified Charger players" were investigated by the DEA for "sending large sums of money to China" in suspected steroid purchases; instead, the Bolts were buying illegal sneakers. Kiel, meanwhile, caught the ire of officers for shipping - get this - codeine-based cough syrup to Texas. Kid stuff, I'm telling ya.

Cornerback. Ah, Fred Smoot. The interception master, who's consistently averaged just under four tackles per game, has recorded 60 tackles three times in his six NFL seasons, and is a perpetual gamebreaker in Madden was also the alleged ringleader of the Love Boat party. Good luck in Washington, Freddie; I bet Dan Snyder throws some wild parties, too, eh?

Cornerback. Every modern all-time team deserves a two-sport star, and this one has Pacman "Let It Rain" Jones. It's unfortunate that the sordid little incident in Las Vegas has left NFL fans without one of the most exciting players in the secondary in the entire league, but there you have it.

Kick returner. In 2001, Koren Robinson was drafted No. 9 overall by the Seattle Seahawks . In 2005, he garnered 1,221 yards on special teams, earning him a Pro Bowl bid. In March 2006, the Minnesota Vikings threw a $12.7 million, three-year contract extension his way despite his presence in Lake Minnetonka. For much of the 2006 season, Robinson was suspended from the NFL for a full year for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Robinson pleaded not guilty in court to DUI charges around the same time. In 2007, Robinson spent his spring in prison or being monitored by authorities while doing public service as part of his 90-day sentence. He's hoping to make a comeback this season, but Robinson's hanging on by a thread at this point.

Kicker. Not exactly the glorified picture of the U.S. immigrant, Sebastian Janikowski came to America from Poland as a teenager. At 18, Janikowski switched from playing soccer with an Orlando team to place-kicker for his high school team and got an All-USA nod from USA Today in 1996; Janikowski won the Lou Groza Award twice while at Florida State and was drafted in the first round in 2000. His off-field career is packed with notable charges, too, including battery, DWI, drug possession and attempting to bribe a police officer. He has, however, done no prison time and must lead the league in acquittals. He signed a $10.5 million extension in 2004, keeping him paid through 2009.

Punter. Finally, congratulations to Mitch Cozad, who finally gets to start, albeit hardly in inauspicious circumstances. Cozad, you may recall, was the backup punter at University of Northern Colorado who went Tonya Harding on starter Rafael Mendoza last September. Surely, Cozad well never play organized football again, but at least he made the big leagues in the criminal sense.

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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's ...
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CommentsComments: 7  |  Sign Up  View all comments
No.1
randm		09:48 AM
08/27/2007
You missed the wide reciever from the Carolina Panthers who was convicted of hireing someone to try to kill his pregnant ...
No.2
Sean		10:01 AM
08/27/2007
Todd Sauerbraun (sp.) would have been a better punter for getting suspended for Ephedra. He's a punter and he's taking, the most ...
No.3
fr8ttrain		12:05 PM
08/27/2007
It is funny that most of these are routine DUI's and stupid nonsense related to drinking and drugs. Out of the list, dude is ...
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