RF365 crystal ball predictions (Part I of II)

By Os Davis  |   Tuesday, September 04, 2007  |  Comments( 0 )

NFL Football News
Got something to say?

Sign Up and be the first to comment on this article!

"When I buy a new book I always read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side." - Billy Crystal as Harry in "When Harry Met Sally"

So blame it on my dark side, but with just a couple of days left until the 2007 season opener, I just couldn't help myself. It was all the damn questions: How will the Indianapolis Colts perform after their Super Bowl win? How good will the New England Patriots be with their additions? How many Cincinnati Bengals will be arrested?

And so, to satisfy my burning unquenchable curiosity, I referred to this Web site's own gateway to the eerie forces of the spirit world - the RealFootball365 crystal ball. What did the mysterious orb show me? Lots of things. Wonderful things.

Herewith, the story of the 2007 season before it happens. Spoilers, as they say, follow.

Week 1. On Sept. 6, the New Orleans Saints take on the Colts in a match of sentimental underdogs (sort of) versus all-around nice guys. Who wins? Who cares? Sixteen weeks from now, both finish 10-6 and make the playoffs.

Week 2. Looking to get some revenge for last year's mistreatment at the hands of the Patriots, some San Diego Chargers start trash-talking early. Says Shawne Merriman, "Hey, we won't be having what happened last year again this year in our house. What do you mean we're playing in Foxborough?" Says LaDainian Tomlinson, "Nobody respects us. What do you mean the Vegas line has us favored by two?" Says head coach Norv Turner, "Well, they're a solid team with a solid coach, but I believe we have put together an game plan on offense that will put up enough points to win. What do you mean we have to call defensive plays, too?" Patriots win 24-7.

Week 3. Still in pursuit of the team's first touchdown, Cleveland Browns head coach Romeo Crennel announces that he'll be spinning his special Dungeons & Dragons four-sided die to determine the starting quarterback against the Oakland Raiders. Derek Anderson calls "3" and wins the spot.

Week 4. During the Bengals-Patriots Monday Night Football game, Mike Tirico fawns all over Tony Kornheiser; Kornheiser fawns all over Ron Jaworski; and Jaworski fawns all over Bill Belichick ad nausea until late in the third quarter when the broadcasting trio explodes in a critical mass of sycophantism. Several Bengals are held for questioning, but not even they can be blamed for the incident. MNF producers promise, however, that Joe Theismann will not be sent in as a replacement.

When questioned about the incident, commissioner Roger Goodell says, "No, I don't think that this whole season will be overshadowed by Michael Vick. Next question."

Week 5. After a disastrous come-from-behind loss in which the St. Louis Rams string together three consecutive scoring drives with little resistance, Arizona Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt tries to save his job by convincingly blowing up at a post-game press conference. Nothing goes right for Whisenhunt there, either, as he yells incoherently that "we thought they knew who we are" and "go ahead and ass their crowns." The coach's tirade isn't enough to gain entrance into the YouTube Hall of Fame as his predecessor did, but the "Chocolate Rain" guy writes a song about him that goes on forever.

Week 6. The Fort Worth Star-Telegram breaks the story that Terrell Owens hasn't attempted suicide, made any ludicrous pronouncements, undermined his quarterback's confidence, or demanded the ball more often. Upon hearing the news, Dallas' medical staff immediately places Owens' ego on injured reserve.

Week 7. JaMarcus Russell makes a big step toward joining the Raiders when he checks out a globe to actually locate Oakland, Calif.

In response to a Congressional investigation into steroid use in the NFL, Goodell says, "No, I don't think Michael Vick will overshadow this season. Next question."

Week 8. The New York Giants defeat the Miami Dolphins 24-21 in an overtime thriller played in London's Wembley Stadium. After the game, the popularity of football takes off in the country as least as much as soccer has in America thanks to Brit import David Beckham.

Week 9. In a Sunday night game against the Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb is knocked out for the season when he gets a rare case of turf butt. Even with a come-from-behind win manufactured by rookie Kevin Kolb, the Eagles sit at 4-4, thus causing pundits and fans to write the team off for the remainder of the season, all the while hoping for a healthy McNabb in 2009.

Tomorrow: The second half.

Peering into the future all year-round at RealFootball365.com
Got something to say?

Sign Up and be the first to comment on this article! (0)

About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's ...
read more
Article Tools Share!   |  RSS  |  Bleacher Report About Bleacher Report