RF365 crystal ball predictions (Part II of II)

By Os Davis  |   Wednesday, September 05, 2007  |  Comments( 1 )

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"Que Sera, Sera / Whatever will be, will be / The future's not ours to see / Que Sera, Sera / What will be, will be." - cheesy old pop song

Yeah, right. As though, when faced with the untold number of unknowns going into another NFL season, one could leave the future a mystery. Especially when in possession of perhaps the greatest source of future knowledge on the planet today: The RealFootball365.com crystal ball.

After snatching the wonderful and mysterious orb from the clutches of Anthony Carroll, who was using the thing for his own nefarious purposes (i.e. the fantasy draft last weekend), I gazed into its depths in order to bring you, the RF365 reader, the truth about football in 2007.

The story is foretold for the season's second half below. Spoilers follow.

Week 10. America, gripped in the violent throes the great fad known as "JaMarcus Russell Sighting," the quarterback is involved in "major talks" with the 2-7 Oakland Raiders. However, Russell turns down the latest offer rumored to include a lifetime supply of Al Davis-inspired sweatsuit combos. Russell also emphatically declares that should the Democratic party nominate him, he will not run and, if elected president, he will not serve.

Week 11. Cam Cameron, denying allegations that he is desperately seeking to pull his 5-5 Miami Dolphins out of a tailspin, announces that he'll be taking this week's game off in order to evaluate personnel, "even though we lost doing this in the preseason." Dom Capers heads up the team, watching in horror as Kevin Kolb shreds the 'D' with a 27-of-30, four-TD performance. Miami's offense can do nothing and the Eagles register a crushing 34-3 victory. "After evaluating the game, I believe I have found the problem. We need to get rid of the head coach. Wait a minute..."

Week 12. Those brave citizens who manage to sit through the Thanksgiving Day slate of games - Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions; New York Jets at Dallas Cowboys; Indianapolis Colts at Atlanta Falcons - are bestowed with the Congressional Gold Medal.

Week 13. A seemingly meaningless game for the Arizona Cardinals - having been eliminated from playoff contention approximately 11 weeks ago - sells out the 73,000-seat capacity of University of Phoenix Stadium. Owner Bill Bidwell apologizes for any confusion caused by a slight misprint on the tickets which read "Boston Celtics at Phoenix Suns." No refunds, however, will be given.

On Monday night, the New England Patriots' quest for an undefeated season ends as the Baltimore Ravens dismantle a tired-looking bunch. The living members of the 1972 Dolphins perform the champagne ritual, NFL fans in 31 other markets grumble, but Dan Le Batard rightly points out, "Hey, do you want to see Tom Brady publicly popping a champagne bottle for the 27th time 28 years from now? I didn't think so."

Week 14. In a decision that cannot be appealed, U.S. District Judge Henry Hudson sentences Michael Vick to five years without parole in federal prison. You read it here first.

Week 15. Though Brady Quinn "appears to be ready," Cleveland Browns head coach Romeo Crennel announces that Charlie Frye will be the starting quarterback for the 1-12 Browns against the Buffalo Bills. Sportswriters everywhere praise Crennel for the decision, because you just can't rush along your quarterback of the future, you know.

Week 16. Having already clinched the No. 1 seed in the AFC, Bill Belichick gives Vinny Testaverde the start against the Dolphins. The 44-year-old Testaverde is still his old self, it seems, and he throws an interception in the first quarter. Thus begins his quest to break the record for number of consecutive seasons throwing at least one interception, a mark currently held by ... ah, come on, you know.

Week 17. In a game that will determine the New Orleans Saints' playoff seeding, Reggie Bush turns in one of the finest one-man performances ever. Along with his three TDs and 203 all-purpose yards in rushing and receiving, Bush also twice throws the ball on trick plays, once connecting with Marques Colston for a fourth touchdown. The stats, incidentally, are enough to give coach Os Davis' Wizards of Os the RF365 fantasy league championship. In other news, George W. Bush admits that America's Iraq involvement may have been a mistake, hell freezes over and monkeys fly out of Wayne's butt.

The playoffs. Week 1 is a real thriller, with --

Nah. I can't do it. You'll just have to wait until January for that one. By then, I'll have, um, reconsulted with the crystal ball for, um, new insights. Yeah, that's it.

Peering into the future all year-round at RealFootball365.com
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's ...
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