LXXX years of Super Bowl history

By Os Davis  |   Monday, January 28, 2008  |  Comments( 5 )

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While other Web sites offer "analysis" on a Super Bowl which appears to be a foregone conclusion (excepting the deluded opinions of those in the Manning household, of course), RealFootball365.com presents a little historical perspective and Nostradamus-like prognostication on America's greatest one-day sporting event.

Ladies and gentlemen, RealFootball365.com's guide to Super Bowls past and future!

Super Bowl I. Green Bay Packers 35, Kansas City 10. "Titletown" takes the first "AFL-NFL Championship Game." Max McGee takes the MVP award, which today carries an asterisk thanks to McGee's well-publicized use of performance-enhancing piña coladas the night before the game.

Super Bowl III. New York Jets 16, Baltimore Colts 7. Before the game, Joe Namath guarantees that the Jets will win, the Soviet Union will collapse within his lifetime, and that he'll kiss Suzy Kolber on live national television.

Super Bowl VIII. Miami Dolphins 14, Washington 7. Don Shula and his Dolphins cap an undefeated season in a game that sees NBC overturn its "Heidi" decision of five years previous.

Super Bowl IX. Pittsburgh Steelers 16, Minnesota Vikings 6. Minnesota QB Fran Tarkenton's line for the game: 11 of 26 for 102 yards, three interceptions, zero TDs. To paraphrase Tarkenton's fun-loving colleagues John Davidson and Cathy Lee Crosby, "That's Ignominious!"

Super Bowl XI. Oakland Raiders 32, Minnesota Vikings 14. Though the Raiders destroy the Vikings to finish an excellent 16-1 season, head coach John Madden still finds flaws in his game plan, most notably a missed fourth-down conversion. "That's what you have special teams and defense for," he chastises himself.

Super Bowl XIV. Pittsburgh Steelers 31, Los Angeles Rams 19. After winning their fourth championship in 42 seasons, the Steelers are proclaimed one of the NFL's all-time great franchises.

Super Bowl XV. Oakland Raiders 27, Philadelphia Eagles 10. Al Davis: "I am the king of the world!" Dick Vermeil: "Where the hell is Mark Wahlberg and his stirring incidental music when you need him?"

Super Bowl XVII. Washington 27, Miami Dolphins 17. Scott Boras attempts to steal attention away from Washington's stirring victory with the announcement that his Little League client Alex Rodriguez will be exercising his option for the 1983 season.

Super Bowl XVIII. Los Angeles Raiders 38, Washington 9. After being blown away along with the rest of America by Marcus Allen's amazing performance, President Ronald Reagan calls the Raiders' locker room to inform the team that ketchup is a vegetable.

Super Bowl XIX. San Francisco 49ers 38, Miami Dolphins 16. With their second Super Bowl win, Joe Montana and the Niners become '80s icons. Like Michael J. Fox, Flock of Seagulls, yuppies and AIDS.

Super Bowl XX. Chicago Bears 46, New England Patriots 10. There's no way any joke about this game will top Jim McMahon struggling through his ridiculous quatrain in "The Super Bowl Shuffle." Unless you include Tony Eason's performance in this game.

Super Bowl XXV. New York Giants 20, Buffalo Bills 19. Scott Norwood becomes synonymous with the epithet "goat" when he misses a last-second field goal. On the plus side, Norwood easily takes the American Comedians Association 1991 award for Most Valuable Joke-butt.

Super Bowl XXVII. Dallas Cowboys 52, Buffalo Bills 17. As the Bills are being pummeled late in the game, some Buffalo dude tackles a Dallas guy near the goal line to prevent a gratuitous touchdown. Today, with the rushing accomplishments of He Who Shall Not Be Named erased from the collective consciousness, this is known as the most memorable play in Bills history. Sigh.

Super Bowl XXIX. San Francisco 49ers 49. San Francisco makes history by becoming the first team to actually face no opposition whatsoever in the Super Bowl.

Super Bowl XXXII. Denver Broncos 31, Green Bay Packers 24. A nation is crushed when the Broncos win the Super Bowl, bringing a premature end to a thousand John Elway/Linda Lovelace one-liners.

Super Bowl XXXVI. New England Patriots 20, St. Louis Rams 17. With the events of 9/11 still weighing heavily five months later, the lovable Patriots make the country great again with a moving upset victory, working their way into the hearts of football fans everywhere, guaranteeing admiration and affection across the country for years to come.

Super Bowl XXXVII. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 48, Oakland Raiders 21. The Buccaneers are able to take their first title because of a lack of performance enhancers: namely, Barret Robbins' medication.

Super Bowl XLI. Peyton Manning's Sprint commercial 8.6/10, Peyton Manning's DirecTV commercial 7.5/10. Rumor has it there was an actual Super Bowl in 2007, but damned if there's anything about it available online ...

Super Bowl XLIII. Seattle Seahawks 38, New England Patriots 27. Boston fans lament that it's been three long months since the city last won a championship title in any sport. When will the suffering end?

Super Bowl XLV. New York Giants 41, New York Jets 10. Because few outside the New York/New Jersey area care about the game, Roger Goodell decides to allow the game to be shown on the NFL Network, and dozens thrill to Eli Manning's 28-of-30, five-TD performance.

Super Bowl XLVI. Minnesota Vikings 34, Toronto Rough Riders (formerly Buffalo Bills) 10.

Super Bowl XLVII Chicago Bears 47, Toronto Rough Riders 20.

Super Bowl XLVIII Chicago Bears 38, Toronto Rough Riders 3.

Super Bowl XLIX St. Louis Rams 33, Toronto Rough Riders 21. Welcome to the NFL, Toronto!

Super Bowl LX. Los Angeles Bengals 31, Dallas Cowboys 0. Finally ending nearly 20 years of playoff futility, the Cowboys destroy all opposition on the way to the big game. Unfortunately, 27 members of the team are arrested the Saturday night before at Pacman Jones' newly established Wakka Wakka Wakka Bar, when an altercation breaks out due to demands as a group that the more typical recordings of "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and "Under Pressure" are replaced by selections from the Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo Christian/country 'n' western album. Said Jones after the incident, "Hey, I'm trying to run a sleazy gentlemen's club here."

Super Bowl LXV. London Monarchs 17, Mexico City Toros 14. Deemed one of the most exciting Super Bowls ever, the Johannesburg-hosted game becomes the first Super Bowl to lose the television ratings battle, outdone by a repeat of "Everyone Loves Raymond: The Next Generation."

Super Bowl LXVI. Indianapolis Colts 2, Seattle Seahawks 0. Thanks to global warming, nearly every NFL city has weather warm enough in late February to host the big game. The unpredictable monsoon season in Pittsburgh, however, results in a field buried under three inches of rainwater. Most see it as an improvement over the typical conditions at Heinz/IBM/RealFootball365.com Field, though.

Super Bowl LXXIV. Cleveland Browns 30, Albuquerque Cardinals 17. In phoning the first-time Super Bowl winning Browns, President Chelsea Clinton's telephone call to the victors' locker room is interrupted by a strange-sounding Southern-accented voice declaring, "I did not have sex ... Obama is a liar ... deny, deny, pain..."

Super Bowl LXXX. Buffalo Stampede 23, Moon Units 15. Just as it seems the long history of lamenting is over for Buffalo fans, commissioner Barbara Condoleeza Rice-Tagliabue declares the Stampede to be stripped of the Lombardi Trophy, citing possibly illegal use of a time machine. Before the announcement can be completed, though, Rice is inexplicably erased from the present altogether.

Lovin' the NFL past, present and future all year long at RealFootball365.com
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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