Who’s the baddest of them all? (Part II)

By Os Davis  |   Friday, June 06, 2008  |  Comments( 8 )

New England Patriots
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RealFootball365.com continues its analysis of the immortal question of the NFL’s all-time baddest team. At the end of the first half, the battle of equally black-hatted 1970s Oakland Raiders and the present-day New England Patriots stood tied as most reviled, 3-3. The metaphorical teams are heading out onto the virtual field, so we’ll get set to kick off the second half of action here at the RF365 Bad Boy Bowl!

Relative success. In their baddest period, the Raiders were perpetually a threat to go through to the Super Bowl. Unlike, say, the Dallas Cowboys, however, Oakland only played in one throughout that decade. Five teams bettered one appearance in the '70s, and five teams matched or bettered one Super Bowl win in the decade. And no matter how you slice it, the Dark Side Patriots have at least two appearances and two wins. Even applying a few principles of revisionist history, no one outside of the greater St. Louis and Oakland areas was cheering for the Rams against the 17-point underdog Pats in Super Bowl XXXVI; New England, pre-Red Sox World Series victory, was still plucky Rocky Balboas. Even two years later, when the Patriots made it two of three, the populace generally hadn’t yet acknowledged the Pats’ surrender to the Sith Lords. In the final analysis, the Patriots were cast as black hats in at least two Super Bowls and won one. Patriots 4, Raiders 3.

Decade of success. Regardless of how much of a bummer Bush-led America has been, the 1970s gave us disco, prog rock and endless off-tackle runs. The dominant Patriots can kill you in a million ways, all of them badder and slicker than the opposition. And while a breath remains in this writer’s body (insert death wish here), nothing from the '70s will ever top anything from any other decade in a RF365 virtual battle. Patriots 5, Raiders 3.

Ownership. Robert Kraft is a successful millionaire/near-billionaire who most likely simply stepped over, crushed, or otherwise ruined the appropriate people, no differently than any other seriously hardcore megacapitalist like those running NFL franchises. (No, not you, citizens of Green Bay.) Al Davis, meanwhile, demanding hosting rights to at least a couple of Super Bowls, threatened to move his team, moved his team, moved his team back, threatened to sue the league for $1 billion ... in short, Uncle Al has done everything in his run as owner to terrorize league bigwigs except announce his franchise’s imminent jump to the USFL. It’s ironic that coaching in Oakland is Lane Kiffin, who seems like a nice guy. In terms of image, the Hooded One would make a perfect fit in California, eh? Meanwhile, this category’s a wash, even if we throw in this picture; talk about your Evil Empires, eh? Patriots 5, Raiders 4.

Quarterback. Tom Brady is a pretty boy; Kenny Stabler was a good old boy. Brady’s nickname is “Terrific”; Stabler’s “The Snake.” Brady probably tries to out-study Peyton Manning and watches 15 hours of game tape daily; Stabler was famously purported to favor studying the playbook by the light of the jukebox. Brady gets with smokin’ A-listers like Gisele Bundchen and Bridget Moynahan; Stabler ... well, there’s no answer to that one, honestly. But in a Hunter S. Thompson “Hell’s Angels” sort of scenario, you know whom you’d take to be badder in a pinch. Raiders 5, Patriots 5.

Fear factor. Let’s see, the '70s Raiders had guys like Jack Tatum, Pete Banaszak, Ted Hendricks, Willie Hall, Art Shell (version 1.0, as opposed to the competent coach of 2.0 or the zombie wannabe that was Art Shell 3.0), and Phil Villapiano. The present-day Pats have ... well, while dudes like Tedy Bruschi and Mike Vrabel may be able to out think and outmaneuver opponents, they kinda lack that “dark back alley” aspect. Raiders 6, Patriots 5.

Animated representation. Those underhanded Oakland Raiders of the '70s have been immortalized in the classic “The Simpsons” Super Bowl episode from 1992; proclaimeth Lisa Simpson, “I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart, Seattle because they've got something to prove, and the Raiders because they always cheat.” The Spygate Patriots got their zeitgeist moment in "South Park" season 12, when Belichick was used by “Mr. Cartmanez” as a life lesson: “White people get ahead because we – I mean they – cheat.” And the winner is ... yeah, as if I’d get in the middle of "The Simpsons" vs. "South Park” debate. Next thing you know, you’ll be asking me to take a stand on the whole “Star Wars" vs. "Star Trek” thing. (I’ll take “Doctor Who,” actually...) Raiders 6, Patriots 5.

Final evidence offered as proof. The bicentennial Raiders were pretty irked after the vicious 48-17 smoke job handed them by Steve Grogan and the old-school Patriots in Week 4, doubling remaining regular-season opponents’ score totals, 264-127, in 10 games. After squeaking by New England in the divisional round, Oakland crushed Terry Bradshaw’s dynastic Pittsburgh Steelers and crushed the Minnesota Vikings’ hearts again. But the 2007 Patriots? They ran up the score and loved it; Brady kept throwing bombs in fourth quarters with four-TD leads; hapless opponents were used as tackling dummies, contenders were for playoff tune up from about, what, Week 4? Surely will the Raider Nation argue that while the Raiders of the '70s were tough, they also had class; sorry, y’all, this one’s purely about being bad. Raiders 6, Patriots 6.

Now, seriously, did you expect an actual winner in this thing? After all, if RF365 were to crown an all-time great bad boy, we’d expect a digital beatdown from the “loser” in the contest. Which would naturally necessitate a rewrite with different outcome, which would receive abuse, which would lead to a rewrite ...

Sure, a tie may be like kissing your sister, but keeping all the teeth in your mouth is even better.

Congratulations to all the 1970s Raiders and 2000s Patriots: To us, you’re all bad.

Bad and “Not ‘bad’ meaning ‘bad,’ but ‘bad’ meaning ‘good’” throughout the year at RealFootball365.com
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's ...
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