New England’s real-life illustrated man

By Os Davis  |   Friday, July 18, 2008  |  Comments( 3 )

New England Patriots
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Hundreds of thousands, perhaps even millions, are obsessed with the New England Patriots. But only Victor Thompson of Laconia, N.H., can truly claim the team is on his mind 24 hours a day; that’s because Thompson is certainly unique in seeking to acquire a (nearly) complete replica of Tom Brady’s helmet tattooed onto his head.

The inspiration for the idea? As it turns out, Thompson was watching a Patriots game at some point during the 2007 season when he suddenly decided that “I want my head to look like Tom Brady’s helmet.” Oh.

(Public service message: In observing the above-linked YouTube clip “Patriots Fan Gets Helmet Tattooed On Head,” some impressionable viewers may be inspired by Thompson’s claim at the end of the first stage of tattoo work that “I feel awesome right now.” Note that the awesomeness in question has nothing to do with receiving outrageous ink work, but rather the reaction is all because of the endorphins, kiddies.)

No offense to the denizens of the Frozen Tundra sitting through losing efforts in subzero temperature, to members of the Raider Nation who call gearing up in full Darth Vader regalia for an 85-degree California Sunday in September fun, to fans of the Arizona Cardinals for merely existing, but Thompson has true devotion to his team.

Thompson has apparently found a modern-day substitute for the tribal tattoo, a bit of ritual scarification designed to identify one as distinct member of a clan, particularly within the heat of battle. There’ll be no mistaking Thompson’s loyalties and “family” should he travel to an away game, to be sure.

So the story of Helmet Head is old news, what with tattooing going back at least as far as Ancient Egypt and Thompson getting his 15 minutes of fame in January on local TV. (Patriot haters will enjoy the schadenfreude of Thompson proclaiming that, once New England wins Super Bowl XLII, he’d be getting a replica Lombardi trophy near the center stripe of the “helmet.”) The plot thickened this week, however, as Thompson got another idea.

In the great traditions of Generation eBay, Thompson is now selling his body. Those of you with a couple hundred dollars to throw should drop everything right now and head over to Thompson’s new homepage, Tattmetoo.com. In seeking to “revolutioniz[e] advertising by making every square inch of this man's body available for business and personal advertisements,” Thompson is selling off bits of his flesh for decoration at $200 per square inch.

(Calculating the volume of the generous bulk afforded Thompson at present, from his venture the man stands to gain, well, a lot.)

From RealFootball365.com, then, a few helpful suggestions for would-be advertisers on this real-life Illustrated Man:

• “Os (heart) Raider Nation.”

• “Bring back Favre!” (Money pooled from Favre’s remaining 17 devotees in the greater Green Bay area.)

• “Wyld Stalyns rulez!”

• “Never answer the phone,” “find him or kill him” or even “Fact 6: license number SG1371U.”

• A group of cherubic angels flying about the clouds in preparation to grab Matt Light’s soul screaming into the molten depths of hell as punishment for his lead-leggedness in Super Bowl XLII.

• “Obama for president.”

• The RealFootball365.com logo. (Location on Thompson's body to be named later.)

• And surely already the No. 1 request (at least if the Buffalo Bills contingent lurking at this Web site has anything to do with it): PATRIOTS SUCK.

Loving the smell of Vaseline-coating vibrating needles in the morning throughout the year at RealFootball365.com
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's ...
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