On the couch: Those Bipolar Patriots

By Os Davis  |   Thursday, September 28, 2006  |  Comments( 2 )

New England Patriots
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They're considered a team to be feared in the AFC, but they're just one game better than the Miami Dolphins. They're considered to have a deadly offense anchored by the clutchest QB in the league, but played three quarters of scoreless ball against the Denver Broncos last week. They're considered get-the-job-done control-freak types, but perception says they lucked out by turning a safety for the win against the Buffalo Bills.

Ladies and gentlemen, this year's Bipolar NFL Team of the Year: Yourrrrrrrrrrrrr crumbling dynasty-slash-Super Bowl contending New England Patriots! How else to explain a team unimpressive on paper, deadly in the minds of opponents, and a 2-1 start that's a lot less boast-worthy than it appears?

Luckily, acute football bipolar disorder (or AFBD) can be treated. Here at RealFootball365, we have a crack team of professionals that have studied under - okay, read the books of - okay, read the comic book versions of the books of all the great minds in the history of psychology, through Sigmund Freud and Lucille Van Pelt through to Dr. Phil and the guy Billy Crystal played in "Analyze This."

The doctor is in.

Patient: The offensive unit.
Analysis: Suffering under the strain of free-agent departures and an overriding belief in The Belichick System, Patient has been forced to take on a new identity several times, from the balanced attack of 2001 to the much pass-happier Pats of 2002-2004 (note: Patient was fourth in passing in the former). Unfortunately, at present Patient suffers serious distortion in playbook and has shown aberrant behavior such as calling 30 percent of plays from a three TE set.
Diagnosis: Schizophrenia.
Advice: Prayer. Specifically that Corey Dillon recovers quickly and Laurence Maroney develops overnight.

Patient: Stephen Gostkowski.
Analysis: Already suffering from the cold environment of the shadow of greatness in which he is forced to inhabit, Patient is tormented by memories of Adam Vinatieri. That and the two blocked field goals he's already suffered in four total attempts. If pressured further in current conditions, Patient may suffer acute stress.
Diagnosis: Vandersteria.
Advice: A learned scholar once said, "You don't have to be a great man, just be a man." No, wait, that was Commander Riker in "Star Trek: First Contact."

Patient: Fans at Foxboro.
Analysis: Shameful behavior of booing Patriots at halftime landed this motley crew in here. Although apparently merely the product of minds made temporarily deranged by a bad batch of Sam Adams, Patient's actions actually reveal a deeper psychosis rooted far in the past.
Diagnosis: In a twisted version of the condition wherein victims come to sympathize with their kidnappers, New England fans, tormented for decades by those of Oakland, New York and others, ultimately took on the attitudes of their tormentors once graced with a winning franchise or two.
Advice: Relocation to Phoenix, where disturbed Patriot fans can experience real losing football.

Patient: Bill Belichick.
Analysis: Patient was admitted by state recommendation, i.e. the state of football viewers. While simultaneously acknowledged by his wards as a genius-level intellect, Patient has been accused of inducing toxic amounts of terminal boredom upon viewers. Clear and present danger exists of facial crackage should smile or amusement be induced.
Diagnosis: Patient suffers from critical identity crisis, believing himself to be an actual football machine.
Advice: The Van Pelt treatment, i.e. eat one jelly sandwich folded over.

Patient: Patriot team spirit.
Analysis: A quick tune-in to Boston sports media features the same old mildly disgruntled types making the same old "playing without fi-yah" remarks regarding the Patriots. Perhaps recommendation should be considered in 2006.
Diagnosis: Too much staring into the abyss. Or not enough.
Advice: Go ahead, take a taunting foul. (Note: Have Asante Samuel try against the typical WR with two-foot advantage - hilarious!) Have some fun out there. Psychological health is more important than a high seed in the playoffs.

Five cents, please.

Original New England Patriots coverage, courtesy of RealFootball365.com.
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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