On Chekhov’s phaser and the New England Patriots

By Os Davis  |   Tuesday, December 12, 2006  |  Comments( 0 )

New England Patriots
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For much of their dynastic run, the New England Patriots have been the James T. Kirk of the NFL: Boldly going, sometimes down but never out, tromping into an unknown sector of the galaxy, finding danger but always performing the last-second save. Tell you what, though, on Stardate 10.10.2006 in the fourth quarter, the Pats were looking a lot more like Ensign Chekhov. A superhero team hasn't come up with so much nothing since the denouement of Star Trek IV, act four.

In that flick, the Enterprise gang travels back in time to 20th century Earth. On an away mission, good ol' Chekhov finds himself busted abroad a U.S. nuclear "wessel" whereupon he's questioned by a slightly skeptical FBI agent. Chekhov seizes his confiscated phaser gun - ah ha! An ace up the sleeve; these Star Trek dudes are always in the game - and threatens to stun the agent. Agent says, "Go ahead. Stun me." Chekhov pushes a button and...

...a flat, embarrassing, impotent little buzz.

That was the sound of the Patriots' offense on Sunday.

Nine days ago, this same New England team (well, minus Laurence Maroney) was down eight points with 13 minutes left. And the Patriots went to work, like they have so many times before. A dynastic-looking 'D' forced two interceptions and a fumble. An offense that appeared freakishly New York Jets-like held the ball for eight minutes on two drives, running no-huddles and shotgun formations as though it had been the team's primary form of attack all season long. Pats score 15, Kirk wins the fistfight, Belispock applies some Vulcan intelligence, and another one goes in the win column.

Against the dreaded Miami Dolphins in the fourth quarter? Where they typically thrive, the Patriots had nothing but a bzzzzt. And like Chekhov, Scotty couldn't even beam them the heck out of there.

Down 13-0 in the fourth quarter and driving, Tom Brady misfired from the shotgun to bring up fourth-and-5 from the Miami 37. Viewers start enumerating the reasons why the Patriots should go for it: They're just now heating up; Stephen Gostkowski's the kicker; Belichick knows a fourth-down conversion in the maroon zone would be a psychological boost; a trick play won't fool anyone; and always or at least as long as the New England dynasty is more than memory, the fourth quarter is the Patriots' domain...

Whistle. False start (freaking false start!) on Matt Light (who really should know better). The 5-yard infraction effectively took the Patriots out of scoring position. Bring on the punting crew, bzzzzzt.

But, hey, this is the intrepid crew of the Patriots here. Ken Walter punted the Dolphins into a start at the 12, and Miami went three and out. Getting the ball back with just under 11 minutes left (surely still enough time in which to score twice), nothing continued to happen for the offense. Corey Dillon managed no gain, Brady threw a couple of incompletes.

"I don't believe in a no-win scenario," said Kirk in Star Trek II, as he tricked the evil Kahn once again. From out of the Patriots' playbook came a clever double-pass play with Brady giving the ball to Kevin Faulk, Faulk getting it back via the air to Brady, and Brady connecting with Daniel Graham downfield as half the Klingon fleet bears down on his position. Touchdown, except that Faulk threw it forward. A 14-2, dominant dynasty-level team makes that play.

To complete what may have been the single worst game of his career, Brady threw a couple more incompletes and a fumble. Bzzzzt.

Since the beginning of the 2006 season, rumors of the Patriot dynasty's demise have been rife. The Arcturan megabuzzards have been shooed away at times - after the "under-the-radar" 6-1 start, the 35-0 pummeling given the Green Bay Packers following back-to-back losses, the win over the Chicago Bears - but they're circling again now at warp speeds around Admiral Belichick's wounded ship.

The truth is we'll only know in hindsight whether this or that game, this or that player released, even this or that drive signaled the end of the Patriots' reign. This year, though, it's evident that everything is so much more difficult than in glory years past. Cucumber-cool Brady was visibly frustrated with blown plays by his skeleton crew of passing targets. Maroney's "DNP" showed just how little tolerance this team has for another injury right now. And in this fourth quarter, as in the loss against the Indianapolis Colts, New England just didn't have the weapons.

As for Chekhov, he ended plunging headfirst into a deep hole, onto to be saved by some fast work by Dr. "Bones" McCoy. Having now landed into a seemingly inescapable No. 4 seed in the AFC playoffs, this enterprise may now need The Doctor.

Unless there's a play that allows Brady to travel through time...

Trekkin' with the New England Patriots at RealFootball365.com.
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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