The Case of Belichick’s Nicked Flick

By Os Davis  |   Thursday, September 13, 2007  |  Comments( 7 )

New England Patriots
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The biggest story of the week in the NFL? Easy: The pedantically named "Videogate," which has legendary head coach Bill Belichick and his New England Patriots having to answer charges of spying after a team video assistant was busted for allegedly taping signs sent in to the New York Jets' defense in last Sunday's game.

Naturally, to solve this great violation to America's game, truth and justice was sought after in the American way, i.e. suing. After all, as the great Doug Llewelyn said, "Don't take the law into your own hands. Take 'em to court."

RealFootball365.com has received the complete transcript of the trial New York Jets football, et. al. v. those despicable New England Patriots held in U.S. District Court in Canton, Ohio. Excerpts follow. Attorney for the prosecution was Marcia Clark, with Frank Slade representing the defense.

From the opening statement by the defense:

"...ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we will prove to you that no cheating was necessary against either the New York Jets or the Green Bay Packers, that Gregg Easterbrook's daunted pee wee league team could give them a game, that my clients are completely innocent of all charges and, most importantly, that there really is the potential for a strong demographic crossover audience for "The Scent of a Woman II." Imagine: It's 15 years later. Charlie is a disenchanted New York attorney..."

Bill Belichick, called to the stand by the prosecution:

"They were a tough opponent, tch, we did what we had to, tch, to go out and prepare to face the club, tch, they've got a good coach, tch, good defense, they're divisional rivals, tch, and sometimes videotaping the opposing coach is necessary, and they've got a good coach. I don't think I did anything illegal, I have apologized to the commissioner, and, as I said, tch, our game plan was solid - "

"Objection, your honor."

"On what grounds?"

"Your honor, clearly the prosecution is using my client in an attempt to bore half the jury to death before a verdict can be reached."

"Sustained."

Matt Estrella takes the stand.

"...and how many years have you worked for the New England Patriot organization?"

"This is my second year with the team."

"And your previous employer was...?"

"I was working with the Minnesota Vikings. Well, not Minnesota Vikings Football, Inc., but rather a bunch of the players who had me shooting their marine adventure epic. I called it "Feeling Minnesota."

(Assorted groans from gallery and jury.)

...

"...my country - I mean, the nation. I mean Patriots Nation. I was just doing my job for the nation."

"Ah," responds Clark, "the Nuremberg defense."

"Objection, your honor!"

"Sustained."

"Would you please explain those papers you have stacked on either side of you, Mr. Estrella?"

"Telegrams of support..."

...

Before Estrella steps down, Clark asks him to demonstrate the insertion of a videotape (Exhibit A) into this camera. This, she argues, should serve as clinching evidence of the defendant's guilt. Estrella's efforts to stuff Exhibit A into the disc slot of the camera are in vain.

Purnell Peace takes the stand.

"I saw him do it. I saw him take off the lens cap and start shooting with his own two hands. I saw him mercilessly stalking Bob Sutton from the opposite sideline. I saw him engage in a conspiracy."

"And could you tell the jury exactly how you were in a position to witness this behavior from the defendant?"

"He's my friend, man. I will get time shaved off for this, right?"

The prosecution rests. First witness for the defense is Tom Brady, who takes the stand and sits silently for a good three minutes.

"Mr. Slade, what is the point of this?"

"Your honor, I merely wish everyone assembled to bask in the glow of greatness. If the jury's not won over by my own gruff charm and smoky rough voice, this witness' stunning visage makes its own case."

"I...see..."

Mark McGwire on the stand:

"I'm not here to talk about the past. I just wanted to - "

"Mr. McGwire, you have nothing to do with this case. What exactly are you doing here?"

"Your honor, the only work I get these days is as easy fodder for sportswriters' punchlines."

LaDainian Tomlinson takes the stand to testify:

"...as I've said, I think that the Patriots live by the saying 'If you're not cheating, you're not trying.' I think they live off that statement. Lots of people talk about them doing this or that..."

"I think they've done pretty well through "doing this or that" don't you, Mr. Tomlinson?"

"Well, maybe, but - "

"Don't they have three rings whilst you have but none, Mr. Tomlinson?"

"Yes..."

"You know what I think? I think you're making this statement solely in an attempt to psychologically outmaneuver the Patriots before this weekend's game. I think you need every weapon you can get because you're scared. You're scared, aren't you, Mr. Tomlinson?"

"Mr. Slade, you are out of order."

"I'm out of order? The whole freaking system is -- "

"Mr. Slade, this court warns you that overblown monologues must wait until the dramatic climax of the film..."

The defense calls John Madden as expert witness:

"Everybody said we cheated ... OK, so we cheated. And now I'm in the Hall of Fame and I make about eighty zillion dollars a year for putting my name on a videogame. So, what are you going to do about it?"

Matt Light testifies:

"...honestly, we didn't need to steal anything. We could have been playing flag football out there for the amount of serious pressure we saw. Everybody's talking about how Randy Moss beat three Jets and Brady put it right on his hands. But consider how much time we were able to give them; I mean, Moss didn't even break stride out there..."

Finally, in a bizarre twist of fate that only occurs when the writer's deadline approach, the defense calls to the stand Fred, Velma (played by Bridget Moynahan), Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, who reveal that the man seen videotaping the game was wearing the same jacket as the glowing green ghoul they saw down at the lighthouse. Or, as Scooby himself puts it, "Rat's rim!"

Bailiffs restrain Estrella and, when the rubber mask is taken off ... who is revealed but...

"Eric Mangini, the head coach of the New York Jets?"

"I wanted him so badly. You can't understand the torment of hearing Belichick, Belichick, Belichick. My doctors tell me I should just turn off ESPN, but no, I had to destroy him. I wanted to coach the Patriots and with him disgraced, I'd be offered the job. And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids."
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About Os Davis

Os Davis has taken a twisted route to get to RealFootball365.com in his nearly 17 years in professional writing, working in any number of capacities in the sportswriting, news reporting and film criticism worlds. In print media, Os has served as editor at a few publications, including Albuquerque's...
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