Raiders Secede From NFL

By MikeBullock  |   Tuesday, January 05, 2010  |  Comments( 10 )

Oakland Raiders
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Oakland, California – In an unprecedented move, Al Davis, maverick owner of the NFL’s Oakland Raiders has issued a statement announcing his storied franchise will part ways with the league in an effort to become more competitive.

“I have an eye for greatness,” said Davis in a four hour press conference partially televised on ESPN, “which I see in my young players, like Darren McFadden, JaMarcus Russell and that fast kid from Maryland. The greatness of these players exists in the legacy they left behind in the NCAA. In order to harness that greatness, and return the Raiders to the top of professional sports, I’ve decided, after careful consideration, to accept the invitation to join the Big Ten Conference and add the Oakland Raiders’ legacy to that of college football’s greatest leagues.”

Some see this as a move to get back at former Raider head coach, Lane Kiffin, who now runs the Tennessee Volunteers football team. However, Davis denies these reports.

“The Raiders are greater than any one man, or boy in Kiffin’s case,” continued Davis when asked about his former coach. “And I will not allow this organization to become a mockery simply out of some misguided desire for revenge, that’s for the courts to decide.”

Allegedly, long time Penn State coach Joe Paterno extended an invitation to Davis to bring the Raiders over to the Big Ten in order to fill their need for expansion. Sources say the letter, hand addressed to Davis, had the words “Notre Dame” crossed out in silver ink and a sticker with the Raider logo placed over top of it.

“If my players excel in the collegiate ranks, then that is where we shall play,” demanded Davis. “And that is where this team of the decades shall commit ourselves to excellence once again.”

When asked about April’s upcoming NFL draft, Davis acknowledged that losing some of his players to the next level may hurt the team, but his unprecedented access to every High School program in the nation will more than make up for it.

Visitors to 1221 Harbor Bay Parkway have noticed a change in the Raider trophy case as well, with new holders created and set inside, in order to showcase the Orange Bowl trophy Davis feels certain to win next year during the Big Ten Championship game. This, despite assertions from visitors that the Big Ten Championship will not be decided in South Florida next season.

When asked about the sudden move, a Raider player, on the request of anonymity had this to say, “Whatever gives us the best chance to win. $#%@! I’ll even go play some Pop Warner again, if that’s what it takes to turn this team around.”

Raider Head Coach Tom Cable added, “What do you mean I’ve been fired?”
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