Part I: Will the Rams make the playoffs?

By Steve Reynolds  |   Tuesday, June 05, 2007  |  Comments( 9 )

St. Louis Rams
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With the offseason crawling along at a snail's pace, there isn't a terrible amount of information to report regarding the St. Louis Rams. Thus, when all else fails, we turn to such things as draft grades and previews to ward off the shakes until we can score our syringe full of NFL smack come September.

Therefore, we present to you, the reader, the following preview of the Rams upcoming season. I won't go into detail as to the highly scientific method utilized to reach the following conclusions, as understanding would only drive you to the brink of madness:

Carolina: The combination of Opening Day and it being the "we don't need Kris Jenkins" game has Rams fans in a frenzy from the outset. In contrast to its slow start last season, the Rams' offense comes out with all cylinders firing. Richie Incognito "accidentally" gets a forearm underneath Kris Jenkins' facemask, staining the fertile artificial grass crimson with blood and teeth. The feared Carolina defense looks extremely ordinary and the Rams put the league on notice. Rams win 34-17.

San Francisco: The Niners put their well-paid henchmen to the test against the potent St. Louis offense. The Rams' receivers immediately turn Nate Clements inside out, proving no cornerback in the league is worth $80 million, or even half that amount. However, unlike the previous week, the Rams are in for a slugfest against a San Francisco squad that is always up for its contests with the blue and gold, regardless of either teams' record or talent level.

The Rams pull out a close one against an obviously improved 49ers squad, suggestive of the once and future yearly battle for the NFC West crown. Rams win 24-20.

@ Tampa Bay: The once-fierce rivalry has since fizzled, but the Bucs, still looking for their first win of the season, dig in against the high-flying Rams. Jon Gruden attempts to exploit the traditionally weak Rams rushing defense by pounding Cadillac Williams between the tackles, but the St. Louis defenders are equal to the task.

However, the Rams' offense is unable to run effectively against the still staunch Bucs' defense and both teams must throw to generate offense. The newly spleenless Chris Simms plays valiantly, matching Marc Bulger pass for pass in terms of accuracy and sending the game into overtime, tied 17-17.

The closely contested quarterback duel continues in OT, where it is evident that the first team to make a mistake will seal its fate. It is Simms who flinches first, and Tye Hill jumps a slant pattern and takes it to the house. Rams win 23-17.

@ Dallas: Bill Maas' streak of 18 straight games as Fox's color commentator for the Rams broadcast is broken as the A-team (sans B.A. Baracus) of Troy Aikman and Joe Buck is trotted out for the battle with the likewise undefeated Cowboys.

The Rams look ordinary after their thrilling victory a week prior. Tony Romo completes three TD passes, but none to superstar Terrell Owens, who immediately accuses his QB of ignoring him because Romo is, quote, "obviously gay." T.O. is promptly suspended by owner Jerry Jones, in turn causing Owens to hold workout sessions in front of Texas Stadium each Sunday.

The Rams drop their first game of the season to the Cowboys, who win by a field goal in large part because Romo is no longer the holder. Final score: 24-21.

Arizona: A combination of an improved Rams D-line and an even more diminished Cardinals O-line leads to the first sack of Adam Carriker's career, knocking Matt Leinart out of the game. With the Rams up 14-3 in the second quarter, Kurt Warner enters and proceeds to torch the St. Louis secondary, putting up 300-plus passing yards and three touchdowns before the end of the third quarter allowing the Cards to come roaring back. Warner then fumbles on three successive possessions and the Rams pull out a squeaker, 34-31.

After the game, Brenda Warner calls a joint press conference with Doug Christie's wife, explaining that "God caused Kurt to fumble" and it is time to announce his re-retirement. Sitting quietly at his wife's side, Kurt Warner's only comment is, "I'm not allowed to comment."

@ Baltimore: The contest quickly becomes a battle of attrition in a low-scoring defensive struggle. With the Rams down by six in the waning minutes, the Ravens need only make a goal-line stand to preserve the hard-fought victory. Steven Jackson pauses only long enough to wave to the terminally ill child in the stands before lowering his head into Ray Lewis' chest and driving him into the endzone for the winning score. Reminiscent of your favorite Hollywood football cliché, Rams win, 14-13.

@ Seattle: The once-highly anticipated contest with their coffee-swilling rivals from the northwest has dimmed somewhat by the fact that a re-injured Matt Hasselbeck and a still-injured Shaun Alexander cause the Seahawks to stumble out to a 3-3 start.

Unfortunately for St. Louis, Seattle wakes up for the fiercely contested rivalry and mirrors its impressive play from the last few seasons. The Rams give as good as they get, and the lead trades hands several times. Down by two in the fourth quarter, the Rams drive into field goal range with a handful of seconds left. Maas repeatedly reminds the viewing audience that place-kicker Jeff Wilkins is perfect on the season to that point, naturally resulting in Wilkins pushing the 48-yard attempt wide right in a sickening turn of irony as time expires. The Rams lose in heartbreaking fashion, 30-28.

Cleveland: There is much speculation that the crushing defeat in Seattle a week prior would deflate the Rams, but it is not to be. The Rams jump all over the Browns, evoking shades of Az-Zahir Hakim pushing/punching that Browns defender in the back of the head as he danced in for the score during the Rams 1999 contest with Cleveland.

Brady Quinn, who has already been labeled a bust before midseason, actually manages to throw his first touchdown pass of the year, but to no avail. The Rams gut the ineffectual Browns, 41-13.

At this point the Rams head into their bye week with an impressive 6-2 record. Can they make the playoffs? The saga continues next week.

**You can e-mail Steve Reynolds at sreynolds@realfootball365.com

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